In a society that is growing more and more aware of the various sexualities and the confusing spectrum that is gender and sex, there are still certain groups that get overlooked. Perhaps one of the most overlooked is the asexual community: those who don't necessarily feel a sexual attraction. There are several different kinds of asexuality, including demisexuality, which is where sexual attraction develops over time after an initial emotional connection. Unfortunately for the asexual community, there are individuals in both the LGBTQA+ (ironic, considering the "A") and cishet community who don't understand or particularly want to understand the asexual community, which is not okay.

This week, I was lucky enough to be able to interview a student on campus who is asexual. We sat down, and it was very informative. To protect his privacy, his name was changed.

Patrick Stoner: I’m here with John. In case any of the readers aren’t fully aware of what asexuality is, can you give us a quick definition?

John: Asexuality is just not really having any sexual attraction. It doesn’t mean you can’t be romantic, but it just means you don’t want to have sex, generally.

So if you see a pretty girl, what is your general reaction?

Wow, that is a pretty girl, and I’m going to move on with my life. [laughs]

Alright, that’s fair. So how did you figure out you were asexual, and when in your life did you figure this out?

Well, I actually figured it out pretty much during college, so just about a year ago really. And, I always knew I didn’t really have any sexual attraction. Ever since high school, I would look at girls, and I would talk to the guys that I was friends with and they would always talk about how girls are hot or something, and I was just like “I don’t see what they’re seeing” and, you know, I was invested in the internet and, you see things, you know [laughs]. And, the things I saw, I was just like “What is this attraction I don’t feel? I don’t feel this attraction, what does that make me?” And that kind of made me sad because I didn’t know what I was. But then finally in college a friend of mine helped me figure out that I’m asexual, and I’ve been happy ever since I figured it out.

How does being asexual affect your life on a day to day basis, or does it?

It honestly doesn’t really affect it that much… In some ways, I personally feel that it makes me focus more on life because I don’t have that attraction to… any sex, whether it be opposite or the same sex. It doesn’t really affect me that much except sometimes it does hurt me because there are people who don’t believe it’s real, think I’m lying, or you know, just think “Well, you just never had sex, so you don’t understand!” You know, that’s when it does affect me, but other than that it doesn’t really affect my life in general because no one would know unless I tell them.

That actually leads pretty nicely into my next question: What’s the most frustrating misconception about asexuality?

There're two things really. One, we’re not allowed to say things are beautiful because saying beautiful apparently means I want to have sex with it which doesn’t make any sense! I can appreciate someone for their beauty without wanting to have sex with that person. Like, if I look at the sun and say “Wow, that’s a beautiful sun”, does that mean I want to have sex with the sun? No, that doesn’t! That just means that’s an aesthetically pleasing sun.

Okay.

The second thing, which I think is actually bigger, but [the first example] is what annoys me… The second thing, which I think is more common is “Can you fall in love? Can you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?” And the answer is yes to both. I can fall in love with someone just as easily as anyone else because I will love them for who they are, and it won’t be about their body at all.

Alright. Well, once again, that leads nicely into my next question –

Man, have I read these before? [laughs]

I don’t think so [laughs]. Does being asexual have any effect on your relationships?

[pause] I haven’t experienced it yet. I’ve only been in two relationships, one of which was when I didn’t know I was asexual, I didn’t fully understand that, and the second one I was with an asexual partner, so that helped the relationship… From what I understand, once I get serious with a person – most of the people I’m close to know about this, so if they were getting into a relationship with me they’d probably already know, but even if they didn’t, after the relationship started getting serious, or even from the get go if I trusted them, I would say “Hey, you know…”

So what’s the most frequent comment you get when you say “I’m asexual”? What’s the most frequent question?

The most frequent comment I get is “You’ve just never tried it before”. The most frequent question I get is “What is that?”

I figured.[laughs]

Actually, it’s a tie between that and “Can you love someone?” which I’ve already answered that, and I’ve already answered what it is. But the comments I get are not so nice.

So what are your thoughts on the “You just haven’t tried it yet” comment?

Well, you know, I haven’t tried death either, but that doesn’t mean I’m first in line to try that! That’s what I usually reply with unless I’m trying to be nice, and then I reply with “Well, I just don’t think that’s for me”

There are sex-repulsed asexuals who want nothing to do with sex. Is it possible then for an asexual to be open to sex?

Yes. For instance, if my partner wanted to have kids, I would do what I have to.

Do you believe the internet is a good tool for asexuals? I mean, that’s where I first learned about it.

Yes and no.

What’s the “no” part? I know the “yes” part is Tumblr and websites like that that are informative.

The “no” is the part of the LGBT community which refuses to accept asexuals. I actually cried when I first saw that… When the Orlando Shooting happened it was a tragedy. And, I saw a video that YouTube made, and I thought it was an inspirational video. But what did I see in the comments? “I only accept gay, lesbian, bi, and trans. I do not accept anything else, including asexual, agender, so on and so forth”. And I saw many comments like that.

So, no pansexuals or polysexuals?

Nope. I mean, it depends on the person… In general, people from the LGBT community have been very accepting and very helpful, but the stuff I see online which is supposed to be from our community is turning [the community] against itself, and against the asexuals especially. And, that really did hurt me because this was supposed to be a community that was supposed to have my back. I’m supposed to be a part of that community and to see hate and dismissiveness hurt me very deeply because I felt shunned by my community.

So, does the “A” in LGBTQA+ stand for Asexual or Ally?

It stands for asexual! I mean, if we were to be fair in general, it should just be LGBT+ or SAGA. LGBT was the original, I’ll give them that. Asexuals didn’t really come around until after that. We were around I’m sure.

Like, the lead singer of the Smiths was one of the first public asexuals.

Yeah, before asexual was really a thing. But the point I’m getting at is when someone is saying “I don’t accept you” and they’re in a group that’s supposed to be about acceptance –

It stings.

Yeah, it stings. We already see this with the gay and lesbian communities against the bi community, or the LGB part not accepting the Trans part.

So, do you think the LGBT community needs to do a better job of pulling together? I do see the younger members of the LGBT community definitely being a bit more accepting of everyone.

That’s a good point. When it comes down to saying that people are just seeking attention… I’m not going to deny it, there are some. But that’s hardly anyone.

So, this one’s a little deeper. In our oversexualized society – because it is, every billboard has abs and boobs and all that – are there any benefits to being asexual, or are there any drawbacks?

Um, I think there are benefits and drawbacks in the sense where – the benefits are, I don’t get distracted by that stuff, that stuff doesn’t affect me. For instance, when advertising uses sexuality to draw people in, that’s not going to work on me.

[laughs] You are above their mind games.

Yeah, their product actually has to make me say “I want to try that product”, not just “There’s a hot girl, maybe if I use this product I’ll get hot girls to chase me!” And, a drawback is, I do get jealous – this isn’t every asexual – but for me, as an asexual, I get jealous of people when they feel that attraction, or thing, or whatever you want to call it. I know that it’s bad for the world to be oversexualized, but it’s kind of like… if I was a robot and wanted to feel emotions. So, I want to feel sexual emotions sometimes, and I just can’t.

Is there anything you want the non-asexual community to know?

We are real. We are normal. There is nothing wrong with us. It’s not a disease. It’s not a mutation. It is just someone saying “I don’t want sex”…There are some asexuals that just don’t want sex. They still have an attraction, but there are some where sex just disgusts them. For me, sex doesn’t disgust me, but when I think about sex I get the heebie-jeebies, like *eeugh*. I don’t want to do that. But there are so many different types. Generally, I just say that I’m asexual because that’s a lot easier, but there are many more types. I mean, you can just go down the rabbit hole and try to figure it all out. But the main thing is, we are real, there’s nothing wrong with us, and we can love, and we will love.

Because asexual is not the same as aromantic [unable to feel romantic attraction].

Right. For instance, I identify as a biromantic and an asexual. Which means I don’t want to have sex with anyone, guy or girl, but I will have a relationship with guy or girl. I tend to prefer girls more, but I have had crushes on guys before.

Last question: do you have any words for any other members of the asexual community?

For the asexual community, I have to say don’t get discouraged by people. You know, if they try to tell you it’s a disease, it’s not real, you’re lying, don’t listen to them. Find other asexuals, it is possible to find them. For one thing, there is the sign of the asexuals, which is a black ring on the middle finger on the right hand. If you see someone wearing that, they are asexual. That or they’ve made weird fashion choices [laughs].

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you wearing that.

Yes. I do have a black ring on my right-hand middle finger. So, people who notice this are always welcome to come up to me and talk to me if they need advice, just want to talk to someone about asexuality, or if they’re trying to figure it out. I’m willing to risk being outed to help someone else. At the end of the day, if I can help someone who’s confused or just needs someone to help them, that’s worth much more than my “reputation”.

To the asexual community: stay strong. We’re going to get our name out there more, we’re going to try as hard as we can to make people understand that we’re real. It’s the same thing that gay people went [and are going] through, people saying that it’s a disease or a mutation, and we will overcome this.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you.

A short amount of time after the interview ended, John asked me to keep recording so that he could make one final comment.

So, I want to make a short PSA… Not just asexuals… but if you’re having difficulties with life as an asexual, as someone who’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, SAGA, anything under the sun… Suicide is never the answer. Always seek help. It doesn’t matter if you’re straight! That can be difficult too! But, in general, it’s not the answer. It’s never the answer.

If anyone in my audience has any questions about asexuality, or wishes to speak to John, contact me through Facebook or Twitter and I will connect you with him.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, or AVEN, is a good place to start learning.

If you are experiencing suicidal or self-harming thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.