Awhile ago, I was in a relationship. A year and a half ago, that relationship ended in a nasty way. Since then, it seems like a barrage of lies, manipulations, pity, and hatred has been thrown at me and my family. I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I do not pretend to be perfect in any way. I have done things I regret deeply. Yet, I have suffered in silence long enough. You see, the boy I was in a relationship with broke my spirit, my mind, and my heart. He broke all of me, and here’s how.
The story starts the summer before my junior year of high school. Some old friends walked back into my family’s life, and this time, they brought another person with them. A nineteen-year-old who had been rejected by many people for his newfound faith. We welcomed him with open arms. The more time he spent with us, the more time we spent in conversation, doing dishes, laughing, telling jokes and watching the younger kids. Rather quickly, he began pursuing me by respectfully asking my dad’s permission, and then continuing to charm me until I was head over heels for him. Starlight picnics, handwritten letters, slow dances, romantic surprises, long road trips, expensive gifts, and promises of forever clouded the next 2 years of my life. Soon, ring shopping, wedding planning, and apartment hunting came into the picture. I was all in. People around me tried to warn and caution me, but I did not see the red flags. If I did, I convinced myself that I needed to be forgiving and understanding, or simply that I deserved it. I would have defended his mysterious ways to the death.
In that two-year time period, he walked away from me four times, each time coming back and presenting me with a more compelling promise of forever to make me stay. Those times he walked away, I was in ruin. I could only wait while he held his affections just out of my reach, demanding me to do something or change somehow in order to get him back. It was always a mental game. I bent over backwards, I fell at his feet, I begged and pleaded. I cried and cried and begged God to make me better so that he would stay. I did all this because somewhere deep down I truly believed I needed him. I needed him to assure me of my worth, to remind me that I was loveable, to tell me I was beautiful. I needed him to protect me and encourage me, to support me. I thought I was nothing without him. I had grown accustomed to fixing the broken parts of our hearts so that they fit together better, not so that they broke apart. And I also did this because I loved him. Not the silly love that goes away in a few months, the kind of deep love that never completely goes away. We had walked through so many fires together, worked through so many difficulties and trials, unpacked so much of his heart. He had struggled through so much, and I thought I could help him. We had soul ties. We were best friends, tackling life together. I thought it was perfect.
While our relationship may have looked great on the outside, my boyfriend was just that, a boy. He was a boy who could grow patchy facial hair and lift a lot more than me. He could buy me expensive dinners and drive me to faraway places. He could woo me and sweet talk me into doing just about anything. He was mysterious and came with a past that could rival anyone. He had dated dozens of girls before me, yet somehow I still believed him when he said I was different, that I was “the one” he had waited for. He did not know how to respect a woman, and he did not seek to learn. He did not know how to make decisions, and he never truly tried. He did not know how to separate lust from love, and I felt it. He did not know how to put someone else’s needs before his own. He did not know how to love; he only knew how to leave. But I have come to realize some things.
A man does not manipulate you.
A man does not lie to you.
A man does not hate to see you happy.
A man does not use you.
A man does not take from you.
A man does not disengage himself from your life.
A man does not break his promises.
And I have come to realize that trying to heal his broken heart hurt me. It did not just hurt me, it broke me. Shattered me into a million pieces that I often still think will never quite go back together. I felt sorry for him, my heart hurt for him. Now, my heart hurts because of him. The past two years have been messy and dangerous. They have held a lot of anger, a lot of mistakes, a lot of hurt, and more tears than I have ever cried.
Yet, God has used this experience in incredible ways to mold me, challenge, me, and grow me. I can look back and see that God saved me from myself, my desires, and a completely skewed view of how I should be treated. God is still in the process of re-training my mind to think rightly about relationships, love, and men, but I am so thankful that He has not abandoned me to my own volition. Because I have been broken, I can be healed. God has entered into the brokenness of my soul and is in the process of making me whole. He continues to keep every tear I cry and reminds me that my worth is in Him, and I am beautiful because He made me in His image. He writes me love letters in the Bible, and His promises are true. He loved me so much His Son died for me. How could I possibly ask for more? While the situation is not ideal, and the experience is painful, I am thankful for the boy who broke me. The things he intended for evil, God has turned into my good. And by God’s grace I will never be the same.
To the girl who has been broken by a failed relationship, divorce, expectations, betrayal, unmet needs, abuse, or any other heartbreak, you can heal. These hurts are all results of a disease in our world called SIN. And the only cure is Christ. There will always be a scar, but your pain does not need to be a festering wound. The only place to find true healing, complete security, and perfect love is in the cross of Christ. Do not live the rest of your life suffering, carrying the weight of anger and pain. Cast your burdens at the feet of Jesus, and your soul will have eternal rest.
Matthew 11:28-29
"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
