I am writing this as I went through the stages of grief after a breakup that really shook me up. Let me take you back to the beginning. When I met my ex I thought I met the one. I know I'm only 20 but something felt so right and steady in the sense that I knew I was going to love him the first day I met him. It's funny because the day I met him I was sick and he bought me cough medicine and I never thought any guy in college would ever put in the effort to do that for me. I'm the kind of girl that is used to being hurt, used, or overall played. He seemed different and I was scared to let him in at first because I knew the day I let him in I was going to fall so hard and what if he didn't catch me? How would I get up, I was scared. But something beautiful happened and I continued to see him, we had our first kiss, late night talks, but I had to just be friends with him, I was scared.
I went to Canada for spring break, and maybe it was because he was on my mind 24/7 or I just realised that being apart from him made my heart ache, I loved him, I loved that boy so much, and that day coming home from Canada I officially had my boyfriend, my best friend, and my person. I remember that feeling, butterflies in my stomach as I realised about two months of being scared I finally let my walls down and allowed myself to truly love him.
I saw him the next day and it felt right, being with him as my boyfriend was not even what I wanted, but what I needed, he made me so happy. I would wake up every day in a good mood because my best friend made me feel so loved and wanted. I began to see traits in myself as a person that I liked because of him, like my goofiness, or my compassionate side. He helped me embrace who I was and taught me that I am enough, he was right.
Him and I would have sleepovers and I got to wake up to my person holding me, it was a feeling I won't ever forget, how he looked at me, how he tried for me, how he knew me. It was beautiful, it was probably a feeling I will always have with me. So where did it all go wrong? Gradually but it did.
Even though I loved him there were things that I didn't like, but I stayed, I wanted us to work, I would do anything for him and I to be together even though it was hurting me, but I kept silent.
The school year ended summer came, and I knew when he said we would see each other he meant it. I loved him, trusted him, and adored him. While we both met each others families, we didn't see each other as much as I built up in my head, but I was told that when we go back to school we would, so I stayed and trusted him because I loved him.
School began, barely saw him, and when he would see me it was like I had to beg for it, and that hurt, a lot hurt, so many words said throughout the whole relationship, all my efforts, all my love, and for what? To fall in love and have it taken away because of what? And that's where heartbreak comes in.
"Let's go on a break" words said to me by the guy I stayed with, loved, trusted, cared for and let in. Hearing those words made me physically sick, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, it hit me so hard that when you truly love someone you don't give up on them and your love story. I knew he didn't feel the same about me anymore and I wish he just let me go months ago instead of making me love him more and more each day because I loved him so much that I put up with everything even though a lot bothered and hurt me.
Two days later after asking to see him because of how sick I was and unsettled he refused and it hit me, I had to save my own heart because it was breaking. It doesn't mean I didn't stop loving him, it's because loving him wouldn't be enough for him he didn't want my love so why do I keep giving it to him? So I sent a text, one text out of over half a year and it's over. But what hurt was that he didn't fight for me, he didn't realise his wrongs, it was cold.
My heart still hurts, but he told me he didn't want someone that needs him to survive, and I'm living, I'm surviving, I'm finding the happiness and light that he took away from me. He took me out of a dark place but he put me in a very dark one. But I can't think that this love was horrible, because even though a lot wasn't good or healthy, I was madly in love with him, and will forever have a care for him. I saw him in a way that he didn't see himself, maybe he does, who knows, but he will forever be my real first love. And those feelings don't just go away because you wish them too because your heart hurts so badly from the void of him.
Being without him and knowing he moved on so fast made me question if it even mattered, were all of our talks important, was meeting my family important, because it all meant something to me, it still does. I need to be happy, I need to be okay that it didn't work out, but I had to save my own heart because you opened it and you slowly and painfully broke it.
There is a saying that time heals all wounds, but the hole you left will always be with me. I don't know how I will love again, because you took a feeling of such happiness and turned in into darkness.
It's okay to allow myself to be happy, and this ending isn't what I wanted, but it's what needed to happen because you gave up on something so beautiful, love. I can't imagine loosing someone who loved you as much as I did, but you lost me, but you didn't gain an enemy, I don't hate you I hate what you did and how you did it. I can't hate the person that allowed me to show myself I have the ability to love, care, and be the version of me I always wanted to be. I found peace with the darkness you installed in myself by filling it with light of friends and family and doing what makes me happy. At one point you did make me happy, but you drained me and made me a wreck like a sinking boat with the will to keep floating, and for what? To have the same outcome of just drowning.
So to my ex, thank you for making me realise it all matters.
