I never gave my body image much thought in primary school. I understood the concept of everyone being unique, even Mallory and Margot, a set of identical twins in my class, so how could anyone be considered ugly if no one was the same to begin with? Sometimes I would see a Disney princess like Ariel or Aurora and wonder why my hair didn’t flow in thick waves, and wish mine could do that, but then my mother would decorate my hair with colorful beads and swirling cornrows, so the self-doubt retreated while I happily swung my head to make the beads click and bounce. In middle school, I questioned everything about myself. And the images of perfect, hourglass-shaped white women I was seeing everywhere were not helping. My self-esteem failed improve as I watched my sister become tall and slender, and I was the complete opposite- short and a bit pudgy with leftover baby-fat. My classmates seemed to be experiencing a similar struggle, and they projected that by bullying kids like me whose self-esteem was minimal to begin with. With nothing but negative energy in that short time, I'm amazed that I managed to pull through. Freshman year, I didn’t like anything about myself, and my family always talking about how pretty my younger sister was becoming didn’t help either. But I simply took the role as the bookworm with a shitty attitude and kept quiet about how I really felt. Towards the end of junior year, however, I started following more style icons and celebrities of color. It was a bit difficult to transition to state of mind where my dark skin was perfect as it was and I didn’t need to lighten it or try and chemically treat my hair so that I would look "acceptable".
One way I boosted my self-esteem was forcing myself to look at the things I hate about myself and say why I don’t like them. It sounds silly out loud and then I can usually start the day with a laugh. Another way was to find new, fun ways to spoil myself. My friends and I would look up the strangest face mask ideas we can and try them out, the entire process is messy and fun and the end result is healthier skin, so everyone has a good time.
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But this brief essay is hardly scratching the surface to what really went on in my mind in regards to my physical appearance and how I managed to start traveling up the road to self-acceptance. I have a very long way to go, since I still catch myself comparing my body to my friends or imagining how much easier life would be if I was lighter-skinned. But I can honestly say now that I'm proud of how far I've come, especially when I look back at how differently I used to see myself. Maybe in a year or so, I will revisit this topic and come even further on my journey to loving every inch of my mind, body and spirit.
