For a very long time I was unaware of exactly what anxiety was, that I had it, and how it affected my everyday life. Once I was diagnosed, I was terribly ashamed of it. I didn't want to be attached to the stigma that comes with mental illness. There were times my anxiety took over parts of my life and I was too afraid to reach out for help, and even when I did reach out for help I didn't always follow through with it because I didn't want to be labeled "crazy". Over time I have learned to not to worry about the stigma, and what other people think as much. Instead, I want to reach out and help people who felt the same way I did. When I first was really struggling with my anxiety there were several things I wish I had been able to tell the people around me, or things I wish that they had known. Now every person with anxiety has different experiences, but here are a few things you should know about people living with anxiety, what not to say to them and how you can help based on my experiences.

Many people experience the feeling of anxiety, but anxiety as an illness is so much more than that. Anxiety as an illness, is:

1. Overthinking

Now a lot of people overthink, but when you have anxiety it is a little different. When it comes to anxiety and overthinking there are several different 'types' of overthinking. There is obsessing over what to do, say and how to act, often making people with anxiety appear very social awkward. There also are overthinking scenarios (this being the worst for me). Anxiety causes people to break down every possible scenario and then usually focus on the very worst ones.The fear of facing the worst case scenario sometimes stops people from doing things, going out and enjoying themselves. Lastly, anxiety causes constant thought and worrying about how we measure up to other people/expectations, where we are going with our lives, etc. This often causes continuous and extreme stress. Overall, overthinking causes exhaustion and these racing thoughts tend to be quite draining, or quite the opposite, can cause a "wired" feeling.

2. Stress

Stress comes much easier to those with anxiety. Anxiety causes frequent panic, and stress often comes much easier and much more extreme. As a matter of fact, one symptom of anxiety is defines as "stress that's out of proportion to the impact of the event". I have often had panic attacks caused by trying to make a phone call. Often it is someone I've talked to a hundred times, but I stress unreasonably about a simple task. This can make everyday tasks extremely difficult and at times nearly impossible.

3. Worry and Guilt

This is not something I knew was caused by my anxiety, for a long time I just thought it was my personality. These two emotions are often felt on a daily basis by people with anxiety. I am constantly worrying about everything, as are many other people who struggle with anxiety. Now this attaches to the overthinking that I touched on earlier. One major worry I personally face is the worry of doing something wrong, and that fear is what triggers my guilt. Because of my fear of doing things wrong, I constantly feel guilty or bad about everything I do. This comes with no real purpose, and often is also out of proportion. Often the things I feel bad about are things that are not my fault, or things that require no guilt as nothing was done wrong.

4. Exhaustion

The overthinking, stress, worry and guilt all cause a huge toll on my mental and physical energy. My brain is constantly going and I never get a break. This causes me to get burnt out emotional and physically much more quickly. I often spend all my energy on the above things, and then have no energy left to do the things I am responsible for or expected to do, such as hanging out with family and friends, going to work, etc.

5. Anger and Irritation

Stress, worry, and exhaustion cause anger and irritation in almost any person, but as we have talked about above, people with anxiety are prone to those things and more often. That means they also are more prone to being short-tempered and easily irritated. This can often lead to fights in relationships.

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When I was struggling with anxiety there were many things people would say or do to me that didn't help when I was struggling and at times even made it worse. At the same time there were many things people did that helped me, or things I wish I could have told them would have helped me.

Below are just a few do's and don'ts in helping your affected love one.

Don't:

1. Get Angry.

Getting angry with someone in the midst of a panic attack or anxiety struggle will more often than not make it worse. Getting angry will only add to their fear/tension/stress/worry and therefore heighten their anxiety in that moment. Even if it doesn't make things worse, it surely won't help.

2. Tell them to calm down.

This often leaves people feeling belittled, or causes them to become angry. If it was as simple as just "calming down" they would do that without all the impacts of anxiety.

3. Tell them it's all in their head.

This can make someone feel like they are "crazy" and brings out the negative stigma of anxiety that people are so worried about. This can also lead to them being afraid to reach out to you or anyone else for help in the future.

4. Help them avoid situations that make them anxious.

This will cause them to stop doing things or feel like they should stop doing things, which then can cause increased/intensified anxiety or feelings of isolation. These feelings of isolation can increase their fear or even lead to feelings of depression.

5. Encourage them to use drugs/alcohol to cope with anxiety.

This may help "take off the edge", but just causes the problem to be buried inside. It is not dealing with the issue, and can lead to addiction. Sometimes drugs and alcohol can heighten anxiety and leave the person in even less control of their anxious feelings while under the influence.

Do:

1. Ask them what they need from you or how you can help-

This is your best and quickest option to helping a struggling loved one. This way they can tell you exactly what you can do to help, or if you can help at all. Sometimes, this isn't an option because they are so anxiety-ridden. If that is the case, try some of the options below

2. Create a calming environment or bring them to one-

Anxiety attacks are often high stress/tension situations. To counteract that tension bring them to or create a calming environment. Use calming tones, try calming music, or go to a place you know is "safe" to them.

3. Reassure them-

Reassure them in a positive way. Let them know you are there for them in whatever way they need you to be. Make sure they know you are there for them whenever, not just in that moment. If they are in fear that they are unsafe, let them know they are in a safe place, or ask them where they feel would be safe. Let them know you care for them, and want them to be happy.

4. Be forgiving-

Sometimes anxiety causes irritability and anger, or the symptoms of this, and leave you feeling drained which also leads to those things. As stated above, that also can lead to arguments, and leave people easily ready to fly off the handle. Remember that this lapse in patience isn't always something they can control. When they come around and apologize, be forgiving. Also, anxiety can leave people feeling exhausted, or can make everyday things very fearful. Remember that if they cancel plans it could be because of their anxiety, so check in with them, let them know how you felt because of this, and try your best to be forgiving.

5. Remember they are more than their illness-

Anxiety plays a big role in the lives of those with the illness, but they are not their anxiety. They are still a person, the person you love. Remember to treat them like that, and not just like a fragile piece of your mother's favorite china. There are times they are not in high anxiety and not having panic attacks, so do not always treat them like they are. It is okay to check in with them during these low anxiety times, just to make sure they are okay.

Remember that everyone's anxiety is different, as is their experience. Some, all, or none of these things may apply to you or someone you know with anxiety.