If you missed the previous edition, it can be found

HERE.

FOR OPTIMAL KNOWLEDGE OF LIFE, YOU ARE RECOMMENDED TO PLAY

THE LINK HERE

IN THE BACKGROUND.

- - -

Life was not always how we think of it now...

...in fact, "life" was a heavily debated topic among beings of the universe, typically arguing about the standards of what should or should not be considered a life, if even an organism. Races alien to one another waged war on information and the definition of what is a life, often by editing Wikipedia articles to improperly cite during arguments. Certain viewpoints used the hyperintelligent blue whale as a basis for life, considering even themselves as inanimate objects before the brain-powerhouse, while others decided that not only were they to be considered "life," but all objects should be treated as such, including bedposts and Ayn Rand novels (which intergalactic species were very fond of).

This week, welcome back to...

Let's move back a step, though. After the blue whale embarked on its galactic quest to find the answer to its ultimate question, comets began crashing into the planets of small solar systems. Due to the heat from the nearby stars, the milk from those white, frozen comets began melting and quickly spoiling because nobody had bothered to put the planet back in the refrigerator. If you've ever seen milk spoil, you'll remember that it begins sprouting green spots along the carton. Kind of gross, yes, but what are those green spots, you might ask? The answer may surprise you: it's life. How milk manages to spontaneously produce little spots of life is beyond my—and yes, top scientists'—capability of understanding the universe. There are some things which we must simply take at face value.

Now, I won't bore you with an entire lesson on evolution. If you've seen the monkey-to-human picture at any point, just imagine that but starting from spoiled milk. That's what happens with every organism in the developing universe.

I also won't get too detailed with the alien civilizations and empires for the moment, simply because there's far too many of them to cover in a brief history of the universe, but know that every organism in the known universe, whether it's considered "life" or not by sentient species, is slowly evolving into blue whales. Xenomorphs, Triklidaks, Humans, even flowers, given enough time, will evolve into the intellectual titans that are blue whales.

This is, in fact, what happens. As thousands and millions and billions of years pass by, there ceases to be any differentiation between plant and animal and human and alien, because they are all simply blue whales. Truly, this large-headed, slightly amorphous beast is the most advanced life form in existence. Blue whales, though you might not realize, lack any sort of drive for material wealth, or wealth of any kind beyond that of knowledge. Without the need for wealth and yes, conquest, they are utterly pacifistic and non-violent: you could punch a blue whale in the teeth and they'd just go, "Bro."

As you're now reading this, humans are currently in their "later homo" evolution stage ("homo" being short for "homosexual"). Many humans consider this to be their peak of evolution, but rest assured that as humans eventually come across intergalactic species and, let's face it, perform coitus with them: humans will enter an evolutionary phase which I was allowed the privilege to title "ultimate homo(sexual)" (thank you for the honor, Vorgon Council). This is the point at which humans will begin becoming less human and more extraterrestrial, in order to survive gases that would otherwise be noxious to them, the cold vacuum of space, and intercourse between every single other species.

Unsurprisingly, the human drive for sex and reproduction with anything they can find (animals, couches, aliens) is what leads to The Great Melting Pot of Species, eventually leading to the Blue Whale Era.

No other species exhibits such an intense desire to reproduce as humans do. This insatiable thirst for sex is terrifies not only extraterrestrials, but the universe itself.

From the beginning of time to the very end of the universe, there was, and will have been, blue whales, all floating around space, unfeeling of the cold vacuum tearing against their thick, lumpy skins, searching and conversing for an answer to The Blue Whale's ultimate question, "What is the meaning of life?" while understanding that the other may not have been a human, nor a plant, nor an extraterrestrial or some higher being, and being wholly content with the difference because they are both cut from the same quilt that is the universe.