My parents are sarcastic as hell. I grew up hearing one thing to mean another, constantly entrenched in a sphere of cynicism. Metaphor, similes, and analogies became my way of relating to the world. To this day, whenever my mother talks to me, I have to think about the context and content of what she's saying. She might be exaggerating, referring to something else, or just making fun of me. If anything, it only taught me how to have a tough skin and how I can use humor to express myself.

As a child, my dream was to become like Conan O' Brien. My father would send me to bed early in the evening, and I would creep to my bedroom doorway, waiting for him to fall asleep on the couch. Once he was asleep, I'd quietly crouch into the living room and flick the channel to NBC to watch my favorite red-headed comedian. I spent my summers falling asleep to Comedy Central on the couch, then waking up to watch their 7 am movies. I watched films like Half-Baked, Loverboy, and What About Bob? all before I turned 10 years old. To me, actors like Pauly Shore, Adam Sandler, Bill Murray, and Chris Farley were hilarious.

I stayed up to watch Saturday Night Livereligiously every Saturday. I didn't get most of the jokes, but their body language reflected the humor. I was allowed to watch it with my parents- they seemed more concerned about what time I went to sleep during the week over what I was actually watching while I was awake. My mom loved George Carlin and Robin Williams (and if you know her, you'd know why), while my dad fed off television shows such as Seinfeld and Cheers.

There was nothing that wasn't said in my presence, and every movie that my parents watched, I watched as well: I loved Airplane, Police Academy, The Blues Brothers, and a host of stand-up specials. I repeated vulgar jokes back to my friends, earning me detentions and disapproving looks - but I thought it was hilarious, even if I had no idea what I was talking about.

I found humor as a way to cope with life. When my parents divorced, and the shit-storm that occurred afterwards (along with everything else), my solace was not just in reading, but watching funny shows and movies. I tried to make myself laugh when I felt like crying, even though I could've just cried and got the feelings over with. It became a nervous response: I laugh when I'm in physical pain, or coax myself out of tears when I'm upset by making jokes. I do it consciously and unconsciously. It has become a part of my personality, which can be hard to separate myself from.

I'm not even sure myself why I say or do some of things that I do. I think I talk about things that I find so repulsive or odd, as a way of mocking what I think is weird about it. An example would be me talking about relationships with people and the crazy stuff that we do when we get into one with another person. I'd say something like wearing their hair to bed or wanting a couch made out of their skin. Obviously, very crazy, and not real whatsoever. You can figure that I'm making fun of people who become incredibly clingy or dependent. The problem is, sometimes it doesn't come off that way, even when I think it's an apparently disturbed concept.

Another problem I run into is when I talk about something that I think is evidently untrue like it is real, and it becomes perceived as real. I made fun of one of my roommate's foreheads for several months, and told her she had a huge head. I thought what I was saying was just not real and was making a joke of myself making a joke - like look, she really doesn't have a big forehead but I was teasing her on how she become so fixated on her small perceived (and often not real) flaws that she magnified them until they become huge issues. In my eyes, she has a normal-sized face and head... but she almost became convinced that I meant it (disclaimer: I made it clear when she started to believe it that she doesn't and she knows for sure it is a joke now - we've talked about it). Am I sounding like a jerk yet? After years of speaking in a dead-pan, serious tone, it is not always perceivable when I am not serious. I just picked that up from television - the funniest moments are when someone does something unusual but acts like it is a normal thing.

For years in elementary and middle school, I was bullied and made fun of. I would go home and think of "comebacks" so that I wouldn't get embarrassed at lunch again. Then it became easier for me to think of retaliations, and I would be able to do it immediately. It started off as a defense mechanism, and sometimes it still is. But now I just think of it as my way of trying to relate, because I don't think I know how to talk to others in a casual way. I grew up with my friends teasing me in high school and college, and I thought that was a way of people bonding, through "ribbing" or joking with one another. I have caught myself "roasting" someone, who really did nothing to deserve it, because I thought that's how you make friends. Instead, it's sometimes been a way that I've lost friends. I also mostly grew up around guys, so the way they spoke to each other is how I spoke to others. It took me a long time to realize that not everyone expects that from a girl.

I think it is hard to take me seriously, because I constantly tread the line between joking and being serious. I can look someone straight in the eyes and tell them what I'm genuinely thinking, and since it is "out of my character", they aren't able to validate if this is the truth or a set-up to a punchline. I've earned that distrust, as I spout absurdities so often that it takes many some time to find my boundaries of where reality and humor reside. Sometimes it gets me hurt - on occasion, a person will say something insulting and it will upset me. They cross a line that I didn't make clear was there. Other times it gets me in trouble - a person won't know that I'm joking and will get offended by what I've said. I crossed a line that I wasn't aware of. I don't think I have ever tried to be malicious, but I recognize now my humor isn't always understood.

Is it selfish that I don't want to change who I am? I have plenty of friends who do understand - and while they don't always think that I'm funny, they still get it and accept it. It is part of who I am, how I think, and the way that I see the world. On the other hand, there are many more who find me obnoxious, intolerable, and just plain annoying. It used to hurt my feelings because really, I don't want to be disliked. I'm not the next Sarah Silverman or Amy Schumer, and I'm definitely not trying to be. But I do think I have a voice and perspective that is different and self-aware. Do I have to be quiet because not everybody likes what they hear?

When I was 17 and 19, respectively, I wrote two separate essays on the concept of comedy versus tragedy. In essence, Ancient Greeks believed comedy to be "low" art while tragedy was "high" art. In both pieces, I disagreed. I think comedy and humor point out a lot of what is erroneous, disastrous, or delusional within society. Oddball situations, inappropriate language, vulgar actions, and the like, all pick apart our concepts of what should be accepted and what is not. In these scenarios, the way it is expressed is through dramatization or ridiculing of some sort, but I feel as though there is always a purpose. Tragedy romanticizes the hero, while comedy will tell you who your hero really is, flaws and all.

Many comedians have died as a result of their depression or addictions - the late, great Robin Williams comes to mind, as does Chris Farley, John Belushi, Mitch Hedberg, and Greg Giraldo. The saying "The funniest people are often the saddest" may be because they understand the truths that others overlook and ignore. And when I think about myself, I consider my own battles with depression and anxiety. Do I see and talk about the world in a "real" way, and can recognize some of the things that are not so great, sometimes scary? Am I just an asshole who is bitter from her childhood and should've gone to bed on time? Or am I really just in-between, laughing so much at everything that I don't realize that not everything is funny?