We all think we want to change about ourselves, both physical attributes and personality traits. As humans, we are our own worst critics, and sometimes we turn out to be our own worst enemies. With summer upon us, so many of my friends have been posting their transformations to social media. Some have been weight loss transformations they have undergone in the last few months to feel more confident in their own bodies, while others have been detoxifying their lives in the realms of relationships, mind, body, and spirit. While I am inspired, I can’t help but reflect on where I have been and where I am going.

About eight months ago, I realized how truly unhappy I was living in my own body. I thought I was too fat, I hated the person I was becoming, and I completely lost my sense of purpose. This had happened before and I did not handle it in a healthy way. I limited myself in every way possible to fit into a mold which I felt was necessary to fit into. I wasn’t myself anymore. This time, I knew that I had to go about it in a different way. I tend to start my New Year’s Resolutions early so they become a habit by the time January 1st rolls around. This year, I decided that I wanted to be happier and healthier in every way. I had a recital coming up and realized that the only way I was going to do well was if I felt well. The end of 2016 was rather rough for me. So many things fell apart all at once, my dog died, and I took a massive tumble down a flight of stairs resulting in a concussion the night before one of my most important concerts of the year. I like to think that that tumble was my wake-up call to the fact that I had lost sight of the things that were truly important to me. Some people have near-death experiences or lose something or someone important to them, which serves as their wake up call, but in true Zoey fashion, I fell down a flight of stairs...I wish I was kidding.

A few months prior, I had started going to therapy once a week to resolve some personal issues that I had been holding on to. Between the bullying I have experienced my whole life and my parents’ divorce, I had a lot of things to sort out before finishing college and beginning my career. If I had continued to hold on to the anger, frustration, and disappointment that I had bundled up inside of me, it would have only hurt me in the long run. By learning to let go of the negativity, I had allowed more space within myself for love and positivity.

Mid-December, I decided to reevaluate my life and realized that I had lost sight of all of the things I loved: writing music, playing guitar, cooking, my undying love of Zac Efron. I had been so focused on passing my classes, my poor self-esteem, and all of my anger that I didn’t take any time to stop and smell the flowers. To remind myself of all of the things I really did love, I did what oldest children and perfectionists do best: I made a list. This list consisted of material things, events, activities, elements of nature, people, and so many other things that I had forgotten brought me joy in life. Currently, this list lives next to my bed so that I am reminded daily of how much I love seashells, playing the piano, and the smell of coconut.

My senior year of high school, I made a list of goals, took a picture of it, and posted it on Instagram with some lame caption indicating a fresh start, because those are the things you do in high school before you become a cynical college student like myself. In reevaluating my life, I reevaluated that particular list of goals and added some to the list. I had already achieved some of them, meaning that I had to add some to the list. It was in this moment that I was aware of the constant change that is the human experience. We are constantly changing. We live, we learn, we evolve. While crossing things off of the list was satisfying, it was ridiculously rewarding to be able to add more to the list. I had begun to move on to bigger and better things.

With these two lists in mind, there were two particular elements that I had been neglecting for a long time: diet and exercise. Previously, I had gone on health kicks that ended either in injuries from working myself too hard, or ended in sickness and dehydration from depriving myself of food and/or water. This time, I was older and I knew better than to limit myself to 1000 calories per day. It was also helpful to have a best friend majoring in Exercise Science and Dietetics. Knowing my history, dietary needs, and basically my entire life, she was able to give a lot of helpful suggestions as to how to begin my health kick correctly. Like music and sports, these kinds of things take practice and must become a habit. I had to get into the habit of putting the correct amount of nutrient-rich foods into my body, drinking enough water, and exercising on a constant basis.

The first two weeks, I was walking 45 minutes per day on my treadmill 3 or 4 days a week. When I got back to school, I started going to the gym and doing 30 minutes on the elliptical, plus some basic weight training 4 or 5 days a week. This routine kept evolving into more things. I consulted with friends about the types of workouts they liked to do. Some included interval running, circuits, and my personal favorite: the Stairmaster. The more I learned, the more variety I was able to incorporate, and the better I began to feel. At one point, a group of us formed a gym group and would either go early in the morning or sometime in the evening. The bond we formed has been motivating as we have continued to work on our own throughout the summer. On top of all of this, I became very regimented in my diet and liked the control I had over what I was and was not putting into my body. I began to lose weight, which became very evident as I had dropped from a 16 to a 12 in dress sizes over the span of five months.

As I began to feel better physically, I began to feel better emotionally. I continued with therapy, I started incorporating more of the things I loved into my life, I became more goal-oriented, and even started going to bed earlier. While my friends still tease me to this day about how much I like to sleep, I always know that I have to do what is best for me. Naturally, I am always concerned about what is in the best interest of others, resulting in forgetting about what’s in my own best interest, which only comes back to haunt me in the end. When I don’t take care of myself, everything concerning my own life suffers: my grades, my relationships, my waistline, everything. With these few things I had so much control over, I began to be able to multitask. I was able to take care of myself while taking care of others.

By the time of my recital, I felt like a different person than I was six months prior. I had been more creative, practiced more, and had become reconnected with the part of myself that I liked. It took a lot of sacrifices, but looking back on it now as I am about to enter month number 7 of this journey, I can see just how worth the sacrifice and heartbreak was. I have certainly learned a lot.

As I enter the first summer on this journey, I can’t help but notice how different my life is from just a year ago. Yes, I have lost some weight and started to feel better, but I also have noticed that I have filled my life with more positivity. My divorced parents are civil and on speaking terms,I have reconnected with family members, I have better friends, I have removed people from my life who have been a source of anxiety and frustration, I even spent this morning smudging my house with sage to get the negative energy out (the dryer door opened by itself, could you blame me?). This is only the beginning. I’m still working and I am not perfect, but I know that every day that I make the effort gets me a day closer to achieving a goal.

I am a work in progress. I am me. I am enough.I am farther along than some, yet farther behind than others, but should not compare myself to anyone else. I can only do what I can do at this moment in time. Everything is subject to change. This is only the beginning.