I wish I could make this sound beautiful, find some romantic metaphor to explain what it feels like to have a panic attack. Trust me, I've tried. I started having panic attacks somewhere around my junior year of high school. I can probably pin point several events that triggered them, but I don't quite understand why they stuck around. It is my senior year in college and here I am, having a panic attack, for no reason. Writing helps sometimes, and I am lucky enough to have an outlet, so here I am.
When I say I have no reason for a panic attack right now, I mean no reason. I started my day happy, happier than I usually am on Thursdays, my busiest day. For the first week in the semester I have no quizzes, I have no tests, and no papers due either. I am ahead of my work at my research lab, and my boyfriend is coming this weekend to see me. By all accounts, I should be fine. All of this circles in my brain while I sit in class, and suddenly, everything changes. My panic attacks look almost nothing like the movies. I'm not taking shallow breaths and I'm not crying or asking for help. Everything around me blurs, my hands shake, my mind goes numb, it's almost as if the world stops around me. If you're talking to me, I promise I am not hearing a word you say (sorry), and I'm not talking back other than a few "mhms" and "yeahs". You know how everything sounds distorted and distant when you're underwater, and if you open your eyes without goggles everything is blurry? Imagine that, and you are getting pretty close to how the environment feels during my panic attacks. The worst part is forgetting how to breathe. Panic attacks take an automatic function that you never think about, and turn it into something that takes all of your concentration to do.
It took me a while to understand these symptoms, because like I said, this feels nothing like the movies show. No one ever told me that panic attacks don't have to look like that, they can be silent, and hard to distinguish. Similar to most things in life, they come in all shapes and sizes. Sadly, the thing is, understanding the symptoms doesn't make it end any faster, though it does make it easier to handle. I can acknowledge this is a panic attack. I am not dying, my body is not going into shock, it's not a heart attack, and it will end eventually. I'm still having a panic attack now, but it's bearable, I'm concentrating on something I love and I concentrating on taking slow, controlled breaths ( I recommend meditation highly). This won't be the last panic attack I have, and it's definitely not the first. But luckily, with each one I have I get a little better at fighting them and gain some more understanding of what they are. I may not know why they happen, nor can I predict when, but I have come so far from where I was.
This all being said, just know, if you go through this at all it is going to be okay. I know you're sick of hearing that, and it can feel belittling at times. Know that I understand, and I promise we will get through it together. Breathe, write, read, go to counseling. Find something that helps you cope, and run with it. Educate yourself and your friends and family on what is happening and with time it will get easier, I promise. I am not alone, you are not alone, we are not alone. Try to remember that.
