Thank you for leaving me.

That sounds weird to say now as I was an absolute wreck when it first happened. We had been so in love (or so I thought) and then everything ended on the second day of my senior year when he said we should stop seeing each other. I messaged and called him repeatedly which he all ignored.

What did I do wrong? Why didn't it hurt him as much it hurt me? Was there anything I could do to change about myself so he would take me back?

I barely ate, I cried a lot, and I didn't have the energy to do any of my school work. I eventually attended therapy because the breakup triggered my already existing mental health and insecurity issues.

There were so many red flags that I should've noticed. The phrase that "love is blind" did not mean my partner's attractiveness didn't matter to me anymore. It was all of the signs that I had refused to see. There would be a rumor of him and another girl, I wouldn't talk to him, he would deny it profusely, and I would take him back. It was a never-ending cycle. His white lies turned into monsters that would gnaw at my insides which broke out numerous fights because my trust was dwindling and eventually completely gone. He was "sleeping" while he was out partying with other females. Sleeping was always the excuse. He was a professional at hiding things from me.

I became controlling and it disgusted me that I would ever say such things like "you can't be around this certain girl" or "you can't go there because I don't trust you in that environment." Why did you have to bring that side out of me? I once told myself that I would never be the controlling girlfriend and you made me into something that I didn't want to become. I felt like I had to fight for his attention because his younger sister's friends were infatuated with him. He loved any attention that he could get. I couldn't count how many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I felt like I was doing something wrong, I was the reason why he was doing all of these things. I wasn't enough and I never would be. Thankfully, that all would change in the coming months.

It has now been a little over a year since the breakup. It took me quite a while, but I finally got over him. Seeing him in some random girl's Snapchat does not phase me as it used to. I do not stalk his social media pages to see what he liked, who liked his stuff, what he posted, etc. It's still a struggle to see a certain movie or accomplish something and not text him the inside joke or the good news. However, I smile because I never have to sob a river because I can feel it in my gut that my significant other is being promiscuous. I never have to stay up late because my boyfriend won't text me back. I never have to feel my stomach drop when I see the photo evidence of him with another girl. I never have to hear the "I was sleeping" excuse.

I never have to question my self-worth again.

So, thank you to my ex-boyfriend for leaving me. I still don't think I am ready for another serious commitment, but when I am, I will know the red flags. I will not ignore them. I know that I deserve someone who put as much effort into the relationship as I do. You have given me the greatest gift of all: a lesson. If not for you, I would still be going around, thinking that unhealthy relationships were the norm. One of the girls that he had cheated on me with confessed that she had no idea about me because he was an extraordinaire at masking the truth. We became good friends and I could not be more proud to say that she is currently in a happy partnership.

I knew that he loved me. I knew that he cared about me. None of it was just in the way that I deserved to be loved and cared for in a healthy relationship and he knew that. I believe that he viewed me as more of a good friend that just happened to come with the title of girlfriend. He knew that I deserved better than being cheated on, lied to, and constantly at war with my brain. I thank him tremendously for breaking up with me and ignoring me after because if he hadn't, I would have never left him and would have continued to diminish in the relationship. I wish him nothing but the best and will always love him, but I am proud to say that I am aware of my worth and also aware that I do not need a man or any relationship for that matter that threatens my own happiness. I come first.