Dear Depression,
From the moment that you stepped into my life, you tried to take everything from me. You were like an abusive boyfriend: you isolated me from my friends and my family until the point when I felt like I was completely alone to struggle. You caused me to lose confidence in the work I did, the worker I was and made me hate my mind and body to the point where I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror without being disgusted. You made every bad event in my life feel 100 times worse than it was, meanwhile making me disregard any good that came my way.
You made me believe that I was not worthy of love or excellence and to try was to fail. You made me feel like my life was not worth living and that I should just throw in the towel. You completely infiltrated my life to the point where I could only think about you. I lost track of my priorities because I was spending too much time with you. I was completely obsessed with you to a point where nothing else mattered. I started to believe the things you were saying to me. I started to believe your manipulations and coercion. And on that night in October, you almost took it all away from me. You almost won.
Almost.
But then your worst dream came true. I started to fight. I started to fight back against the insecurities that you had placed in my heart. I started to fight back against the voice you had implanted in my mind saying that I wasn’t good enough. The people that you had tried so hard to keep me from stood by my side and caught me when I was falling. Every day I started to believe in myself again, even if it was only for a second - it was so much more than what I had when you were around. Suddenly, I was able to see the beauty in life. I once again learned to love the beauty of snow-tipped tree branches, the sound of my friend’s laugher and the warmth of my parent’s hugs - feelings you had tried so hard to diminish me of.
If I said that the fight against you has been easy, I would be lying. Every day that I don’t feel your suffocating presence around me is a success. Every day that I look in the mirror and see the grace and beauty in myself that my friends and family see in me is forward progress. For the rest of my life, there will be scars from your existence in my life; some physical and some mental. But as much as your damage will always be a part of my life, I will wear my scars with pride. Not prideful for the pain you inflicted on me and those closest to me but for the strength that I had. The strength that I had to escape your suffocating grip. The strength that I needed to take my life back from you and to send you away. The strength to keep fighting, which I’ll keep doing for the rest of my life.
I’m still recovering. Sometimes I still slip back to you, only for a moment though but as the days go by, these moments seem to diminish. Slowly, at some points when it seemed impossible, I’m taking it all back. I’m taking my happiness, my sense of adventure, my love for my friends and family, my creativity, my aspirations, my confidence, my strength and most importantly, I’m taking my will to live my life back.
