Dear Anxiety,
It's me. Remember me? The girl you tried to bury deep down like a coffin? Welp, I'm back. And you know, this time, I'm not going away. You are.
We had a toxic relationship, you and I. And frankly, it's you. You brought me down with your negativity and doubts, especially within myself. You caused me pain, more insecurities than I can count, and an endless amount of self-doubt. You had me second guessing my decisions, my life, my wants, my needs. But I know me. The girl with the eager eyes and big heart. I know her deep down, but I forgot her for a while. And that was because every time I tried to let her back in, you'd block the way. You'd be right there, at my doorstep, day and night, not letting her enter. And God, the knocking was relentless. Constant. I didn't even get a break to sleep. Just as I was about to drift off, there you'd go again, like a dog with a squirrel. But listen, it's time for you to go for good.
I don't think we should stay friends. In fact, I don't think we should have any contact at all. That truly is for the best. You live your life, and I'll live mine. I need to focus on finding me again and developing myself more as a person. I'm excited to focus on school again and my friendships and relationships. I just don't have time to focus on you.
Yes, I want to see other people. I'm going to see other people. I'm going to see my friends, my family, my boyfriend, without you lingering in the background. You made me feel like something always had to be wrong, like if things were going right for once, well that wasn't possible, was it? And so you scanned my brain from left to right and up and down, overthinking everything I heard, everything I said, to make up something to worry about. And I let you walk all over me because for a while, I couldn't differentiate between us.
But you are not me. And I will try not to forget that again, even when you try a different approach; maybe instead of knocking, you'll ring the doorbell or dress up as a delivery man. But I will not forget what you did. I will not forget the way you made me feel, the relationships you almost ruined.
Because I am not you. You are anxiety. I am Carolyn. And my door is locked.
