It’s been a long four and a half years of no meat. I’ve told so many different people why I started being a vegetarian, but if you piece all of those tales together, you get the full story.

In May of 2012 I was battling a heavy case of depression. Middle school truly knocks the wind out of you, especially when you don’t have the right friends. I was very pessimistic about everything, including eating meat. From a young age I never ate pork, and as I was developing my palate, I started to hate chicken as well. The only protein I was getting was from ground beef (chop meat, in my house). My mom had enough, telling me that I would have heart failure if I kept up my eating habits, so I decided to rebel; it turns out middle school makes you into a bad-ass as well.

In addition to my rebellion, I was, and still am an advocate of animal rights. As a huge fan of The Beatles, I followed the living members on all social media— meaning that my love for Paul McCartney was impeccably strong. He often posted about saving the animals on his Twitter, so when he posted a video one day I wasn’t surprised. However, this was no ordinary video— it was a video exposing the cruelty of animals in shelters and farms. With tears streaming down my face, I was determined to finish the video and let myself see what harm was being done. Rebellion was for myself, but my choice to be a vegetarian came from the animals.

My first days of vegetarianism were away from home on my eighth grade trip to Washington D.C. I didn’t see much of a difference in my eating habits, mostly because we spent most of our time touring monuments and not eating food. By the time I got home I told my mom I was one hundred percent invested in this new way of life and together, we looked up recipes for me to try.

It wasn’t until my third year of being a vegetarian that I finally got the hang of things. Prior to which, I gained a lot of weight from eating an abundance of carbs in my daily meals. The only foods I would eat were grilled cheese, mac and cheese, pasta, and bread, which definitely aided in my inflation (I compare my sophomore self to a balloon). Everyone around me noticed that I was unhappy, so I decided to be more open to trying new things. Garden burgers and black bean burgers became my saving grace— a definite staple in my diet. I also found a new love for salad, tofu, lentils, rice, and beans. On this new track of healthy vegetarianism, I lost a ton of weight and was incredibly happy.

When I found out I was anemic, I went to Web MD as most people would and started searching like a mad woman. What caused this? How can I fix this? Is this why I’m so tired all the time? I worried for my health almost as much as my mom did. Various trips to the doctor and hematologist suggested that it was my vegetarianism, but I didn’t want to believe it. How could something that made me so happy make me so sick? The doctors relentlessly told me to give up my “hobby” but I stubbornly refused, taking iron supplements as a substitute. Still feeling tired even with a new intake of iron, led me to a bittersweet conclusion.

This Thanksgiving I am going back to my previous way of life. I can’t help but feel selfish for doing this all for myself and not for the animals, but I’m beginning to realize the detrimental effect vegetarianism has had on my health. I will still continue to advocate for animal rights, and against animal cruelty by eating organic foods, using cruelty-free products (thanks, e.l.f.), and participating in “Meatless Monday.” The journey has been a long one and I’d like to thank everyone who has supported me, and apologize to everyone I’ve inconvenienced based on my diet. While vegetarianism did not work for me, I assure you that it can work for others and is always fun to try, especially if you’re a cynical Beatles fan or looking for a new way to rebel.