I wanted to take a walk today. It’s a beautiful day in Buffalo after a bit of rain this morning. I took a walk because I had a lot on my mind. This morning I felt so low that I just wanted to end it all. I’ve felt so lonely, so worthless. It’s not easy to admit that I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression. At times I don’t say anything because people tend to take my depression and put it beneath their own. I don’t admit anything because these days, mental illness is seen as an aesthetically pleasing thing that everyone needs to have. Trust me, you don’t want it. And I don’t admit anything, because I fear people won’t believe me. Everyone sees me as the this ray of sunshine and happiness that they say that I’m faking it. In reality, smiles are so easy to fake.
Everyday I wake up feeling like a failure. And everyday it gets harder to even get out of bed. I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this, but I’m just so tired of feeling sad. I’m tired of feeling hurt. I’m tired of being depressed.
With graduation coming up, I feel like I am in a funk. I haven’t found anything in my field that I fear that I’ll be trapped working in a supermarket, or some other place where I know I won’t be happy. Hopefully I can find that place to make me love what I do.
I feel lonely that I haven’t found the right guy to be with. Everyone seems to have found that special someone, while I’m here just trying to find what I love about myself that people would love about me.
I’m taking the first step in admitting all of this. I know this is a start, and soon it can lead to me feeling better. I need to start believing in myself. I need to start believing that I am worth something in this life and that in the future I can be happy, safe, and secure. It’s going to take some time, but I know that it will happen.
I love all of you so much, to the people in my life, to the people who just follow me on here and have never spoken a word to me.
You are all so special and mean something in this world.
For right now, I’m going to find my place in this world and be the best person that I can be
