It's important for me to enter a disclaimer right out of the gate, here. Unless you've drowned your atypical antidepressants in skim milk and are currently shoving spoonfuls into your gob right now, none of these “depression-curing” cereals are actually going to cure your lethargy or make you take a shower. To my knowledge, none of these hearty breakfasts list serotonin or dopamine in the ingredients. But hey, don’t worry. Too much of that stuff is toxic, anyway. Don’t believe me? Google search: “schizophrenia” or “serotonin sickness.” In contrast, when has too much sugar ever hurt anybody? Exactly.

Cereal is a delicious treat that I encourage everyone to indulge in at least once a day. If you’re like me, you prefer two bowls in the morning and a midnight munchies bowl before bed. I’ve even learned to overcome the taste aversion that is the integration of cereal and an alcoholic beverage. Frankly, I love both too much to exclude the consumption of either from my nightly routine. Listed below are my top five cereals guaranteed to turn your frown upside down, or at the very least, fill up your mouth so that you can’t express either emotion.

5. French Toast Crunch

Sure, we all love cinnamon toast crunch and are aware of the slightly cannibalistic commercials used to advertise them. However, if you’re a kid of the 90s, you remember the alternative to cinnamon toast crunch – French Toast Crunch. This was my favorite out of the two when I was little because it was the closest I ever got to actual French toast growing up. For my first six years of life, it was just my mom and I living in a trailer parked in my grandparents’ backyard. We lived in a poor, secluded town located in West Tennessee. My mom had to commute about an hour to work every morning and was gone until about eight at night. As a result, cereal was a regular staple in my diet (not that I ever complained). As a kid, I remember those cute bread-slice shaped bits tasted just like cinnamon and maple syrup. I would get sick from eating it too fast.

Not too long ago, General Mills put the cereal back on the shelves, and people my age went out of their way to go to the grocery stores that carried it. I was, of course one of those people, and I have to say, I was incredibly disappointed during our reunion. It didn’t taste anything like how I remembered it, although I assume my taste buds have pruned a bit in the course of my development. Perhaps the reason it tanked so long ago was because it tasted like plywood to adults. It’s only number five on my list because the nostalgia doesn’t counterbalance the awful taste. I guess you should just save this one for when your son is depressed that he lost his Pokèmon battle with the neighbor’s boy. Speaking of which…

4. Pokèmon (Toasted Oat Cereal)

It took me a while to type the title of this cereal because I realized it was just called “Pokèmon” and I don’t want to imply that you should eat fictional pocket monsters for breakfast. Although, you totally should if they are marshmallows depicting your favorite Pokèmon characters. The version I’m writing about is the original release, featuring Pikachu, Polywhirl, Oddish, and Ditto. Aside from the obvious choice of Pikachu, I’m assuming they just put 149 names in a large hat and pulled out the aforementioned Pokèmon by chance. Everyone hates Ditto, and if you don’t, I’m judging you.

This cereal and its modern breakfast equivalents (Marvel superheroes, Star Wars, etc.) actually taste horrible. It’s incredibly bland, and you can tell they spent absolutely no money in developing any flavor because they didn’t have to. Kids are going to eat anything remotely shaped like their favorite cartoon characters because kids are sadistic and hard to understand. Regardless, if I could find a box of this that wasn’t stale, I would smile, because some of my fondest childhood memories involve playing Pokèmon Red on my Gameboy Color and listening to my mom yell about how my cereal was getting soggy. Also, every box contained a cool topper! Remember these?

3. Fruity Pebbles

This may actually be the only cereal on this list that I still eat, and I don’t even buy it that often. I don’t seem like it, but I am (almost) 24 years old, so my cereal selection today consists of Special K, Chex, and Honey Bunches of Oats. Don’t get me wrong, those cereals are rad, and if the apocalypse happens within my lifetime, those are the cereals I would raid from Kroger’s because they have nutritional value. Fruity Pebbles is what I call a “dessert cereal,” which means I buy it infrequently as a pick-me-up, and sometimes use it when I’m baking delicious treats.

Do kids these days even know who the "Flinstones" are? For the longest time, I didn’t realize they were from an actual cartoon show. I just thought they were specifically created to advertise sugary cereal to children, and they did a great job of it. Did you know that supposedly each pebble color represents a different flavor? Try eating the colors individually and you will find out that the flavor range is as broad as the spectrum of M&M flavors. In the beginning, there was cherry, orange, and lemon. Now they’ve added Bedrock Berry Pink, Berry Blue, and Incrediberry Purple. They’ve also obviously experienced some change in marketing management.

2. Sugar Bombs

You’re going to call me a cheater now because this cereal is fictional. If you recognize it, kudos to you. We would probably be friends in real life and you should comment your Xbox One gamer tag below. If you don’t recognize it, never fear. I’m here to turn you on to my favorite game of all time, which consequently, should help cure your depression because it takes place post nuclear apocalypse. That makes your D- in Chemistry seem slightly less tragic, right? You’re welcome.

Sugar Bombs are advertised in the world of Fallout as having “explosive great taste!” and boast “100% of your daily sugar intake!” I can only imagine how divine those sugared mini nukes taste. In Fallout 3, it behooved the player to collect as many of these rarities as possible because they would later meet someone who could create some killer drugs using Sugar Bombs as the main ingredient. A ghoul (intellectual zombie, essentially) named Murphy could craft an inhalant called Ultrajet by way of this breakfast confection. This drug allowed you to shoot enemies for longer periods of time with more accuracy. I bet your bowl of Wheaties can’t promise anything remotely close to that.

1. Nintendo Cereal System

I have no idea how this cereal tastes because I wasn’t even in my embryonic stage when this was released. I can only assume it tasted God-awful because, as aforementioned, most character-based, limited edition cereals taste only slightly better than wall paper, and that’s only because it’s soaked in milk. Furthermore, it belonged to a brand called Ralston, which no longer exists. Suffice to say, I’m sure it’s absolutely revolting.

cereals that cure depression? Aside from the obvious answer being that

childhood classics Link and the Mario Bros. grace the cover, if you have this

box today, it is worth $100. What’s even better, is that if you have this

cereal unopened, containing the original “fruity” or “berry” bits that were

placed inside back in 1989, it is worth $200. That’s right. There are weirdos

out there incapable of letting go of the 80s who are willing to pay you $200

for a box of cereal that went stale two weeks after you bought it. Go check

your mother's and your grandmother’s pantries to make sure this didn’t slip off the

shelf almost 30 years ago. If you get really lucky, you could have

enough money to buy alcohol every week for an entire month! Or, if you’re

like me, at least for a few days. That should be enough to make anybody happy.