I really don’t want to give this movie any attention, but I got a text from Momma Mill last week that was along the line of “Just saw the trailer for GOAT, I pray your fraternity isn’t like that. DISTRUBING” So I’m going to do my best in breaking down the absurdity that is this trailer of a movie, and why it’s so off base.

About 9 seconds in we meet the two main characters, some kid and his older brother who is Nick Jonas…so good for him I bet having Nick Jonas as a brother is hard enough, now he’s pushing his mid-level fraternity on him. Why even go to college if you don’t pledge a fraternity? He has to pledge, he’s legacy!

16 seconds in. Younger brother’s roommate meets Jonas and in the most freshman voice ever ask if he’s in Phi Sig? Jonas eyes him up in down thinking about how much he would kill himself if this squid got a bid…Apparently Phi Sig needs the due money because this kids sticks around for the rest of the movie.

19 seconds in. Looks like Phi Sig might have a pool…already looking suspect. Insurance on that bad boy would be through the roof.

26 seconds in we see James Franco make his first appearance looking like he just got back from Burning man and no one has told him that he is no longer roaming the Playa.

30 seconds in and the party of the damn century is taking place. Here’s my first biggest criticism. I have good friends in greek life from the Ivy League to the PAC 12 and never have I witnessed, heard about, or even viewed on Snap Chat anything remotely like this. I’d venture to say if you pop bottles at a fraternity house you’re more inclined to piss most the girls off for getting their clothes wet.

35 seconds in we get the first of the screen caps explain that every year over 500,000 young men pledge fraternities. This is where GOAT ropes me in cause at one point I was one of those young men. The issue with this is GOAT is based off a book from some guy at Clemson. In the book he makes it clear that the book only represents his experience and that it in no way should represent greek life across this country. Well with this little statistic the movie just flashes a middle finger to that disclaimer and says it will take it from here as far explaining what pledging is like to anyone who doesn’t know…like my mom for instance.

44 seconds in we hear some dude tell younger brother guy that he’s going to be Phi Sig and do something with his life as we see the most electric shot of the house. Just dudes hanging out on the lawn playing cornhole with an inflatable pool out front. This is actually a proper representation. This and guys asking when and where they are going to eat…that’s it…that’s frat living right there.

55 seconds in and the hazing starts. Younger brother has 11 minutes to get to the house or he’s dead. I love the completely ridiculous number that is 11. Not 10 or 15, nope 11.

1:06 in and we meet who I assume is going to be the villain of the movie and push younger brother over the edge and cause some ugly shit to go down. This guy welcomes the pledges to hell week. Now going off the general stereotypes of greek life here the term “hell week” is typically in reference to the last week of pledging, right before it’s over, not right at the start. I imagine the people in charge of this wanting to just ratchet the absurdity up to 10 here so I’m not really surprised or giving them much credit in wanting to make an authentic movie anymore.

1:08 in and let’s take a quick look at the room here. We have what looks like 40 active brothers hanging around and about 6 maybe 7 pledges. Seems like numbers are down this year for Phi Sig, that’s why younger brother’s roommate got a bid, or you know maybe word got out that their pledging is the most ridiculous and over the top on campus and no rationally minded guy wanted to pledge them…

1:10 in “Experience the Secrets” flashes across the screen because every single fraternity does this exact stuff and until this holy grail of a film came along no one knew the “true” story, thank god GOAT is here to shed some light on the subject. That must be why my mom was so distraught and had to text me. She just thought I was wearing a blazer and drinking libations for the past couple of years.

1:17 in and we see some hooded marching shit going on in broad day light. Pretty bold move their considering you know bystanders can see you, but I’m sure the whole campus here is in on it and it’s a systematic problem that will in no way lead younger brother of the best Jonas brother to lose his mind or anything.

1:21 in we see some forced drinking as a punishment, cause if you want to discourage guys from going greek tell them there’s booze involved that will steer them clear.

1:23 in and some kid doesn’t know who shot JFK, which is a good look, you want dumb kids in the fraternity so the whole house’s GPA stays low, good job Phi Sig no wonder no wants to be a part of this “brotherhood” you got going on here.

1:28 in we get the most out of left field Guantanamo Bay reference of the past 13 years. I’m sure this definitely happens everywhere and is one of those “Secrets” GOAT is letting us in on. Two pledges are smiling though so it looks fun, almost disappointed I never got to experience anything like this.

1:31 Nick Jonas explains to his brother that they just do this stuff to “weed out the week ones” Nick baby I don’t know if you’re looking around at the house and the pledge class in front of you, but I don’t think you guys are in any position to “weed” anyone out.

This portion of the trailer also gives us our first glimpse at what I assume my mom thought was so disturbing, younger brother just slapping the piss out of himself in black minivan…don’t know how he has the down time for such activities with all the hazing that is supposed to be going on in this movie.

1:39 in we see more partying. Which one is it, are they hazing dudes or partying with chicks it can’t be both here GOAT

1:43 in and Nick Jonas ask our villain, whose wearing a choker necklace so you know he’s into some strange shit, if pledging is getting weirder. Yes Nick it is, also someone might see what you are doing here and make an awful movie about it and scare our moms. Villain dude stands by it and explains why it has to be weird. I think this guy just single handled wants to ruin the house by making no one want to pledge in the future.

1:50 in and the pledges are talking about quitting, and we see Nick Jonas curl what looks like 25 lbs so you know he’s getting swole out here. One pledge responds to the quitting idea with he can’t because he’s having sex for the first time. I don’t know where he is getting the time for this all cause it looks like they are pretty busy with the whole pledging thing. Good for this guy in finding love in a hopeless place though.

1:58 in and we see a quote from some asshole named Jason Gorber who works for Twitchfilm that says “Full Metal Jacket meets Animal House.” you leave Animal House out of this you piece of shit. That movie is gold and you compare it to this hot garbage. You’re telling me this guy in the choker neckless, (so frat by the way) is comparable to John Belushi, get out of here Jason Gorber.

2:02 Nick Jonas and his brother are arguing, and Nick Jonas explains that none of this matters, which as far as college is concerned, outside of classes, nothing really does matter, that’s the best part of college it isn’t reality, we exist in a brief moment of suspended adolescents. Good on Nick Jonas of all people to see this

2:08 in and someone says they haven’t been doing anything that any other fraternity on campus hasn’t been dong. There you go bringing everyone down to your creepy level again Phi Sig. However you got to justify your small numbers and crippling morals go ahead if it helps you sleep at night.

2:10 in and we see James Franco again asking a pledge to punch him in the stomach. I’m going out on a limb here and saying Franco is going off script here and just wanted to feel something and the director is just rolling with it.

2:15 we get some good chanting going on…because that’s what frats do right? Chant about brother hood? I’m asking because I’m assuming the guys making this movie never did.

2:20 we just get a montage of absurdity that is damn near laughable. When I want to attract good well rounded guys into my fraternity the best way to do that is to spit in their mouth… that always brings out the best in a man, that said the choker neckless guy might have other motives, guess I’ll have to watch the full movie to find out.

In closing I just want to say that this movie in no way should give anyone the idea this is normal but GOAT wants to speak for the rest of us with its outlandish claims. Don’t worry Mom no one spit in my mouth during pledging.