Let me just say, our 20's are a weird time.
It’s the good-kind-of-weird, with a ton of changes. Many of us go off to college and have to learn to live independently for the first time, away from the comfort of our childhood homes. This new chapter in our lives consists of self-discovery and personal growth, which can, unfortunately, clash with our dreams of finding love.
Young adults find themselves knee-deep in some of their first romantic flings upon entering the college atmosphere. While half of your heart wants to allow your fling to blossom into something more serious, the other part of you realizes that you can’t lose track of your personal aspirations in such a crucial time of your growth.
Along comes the topic many of us 20-somethings fear—commitment. We oftentimes hear the cliché phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” when one partner becomes overwhelmed with school, work or other personal pursuits. For the person who wants to fight to make it work, and even for the person breaking things off, this decision is never an easy one. However, sometimes it’s essential and can actually prove to benefit you two as a couple down the road.
I feel like one of the toughest aspects one may face when going through a break is the possibility of encountering one another in your day-to-day life. No matter how silly you might feel when engaging in an on-again and off-again relationship, studies show that approximately half of all young adults in relationships will break up and spend time focusing on themselves before getting back together again at least once.
“I think it can be really healthy to separate, have some life experiences, date other people, go to grad school,” Rebecca Hendrix, a marriage, and family therapist based in New York said. “When you are ready, you’ll probably think of that person first.”
Hendrix spoke of a couple who experienced a similar situation first-hand. The individuals started out as a fling, split their separate ways for about seven years, while still inevitably bumping into one another on the occasion in the workplace. Believe it or not, the couple is now happily married after spending some time flying solo. It’s funny how some things work out.
Psychotherapists are confident in the benefits of going on a break: It’s an opportunity to find yourself, learn to appreciate your significant other and eventually strengthen your relationship. After all, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Of course, no matter how much a break might help your relationship in the future, they will always be difficult for both parties involved. So, when pondering whether or not it’s a wise idea to press the pause button in your relationship, there are specific measures to take in efforts to avoid any unnecessary confusion and heartbreak, as well as, some ideas to consider and questions to ask yourself before jumping back into the relationship again.
Steps to Consider Before you go on a Break:
1. Talk openly about limits and boundaries.
What will the parameters be on communication? Will you cut off all ties, or talk every once in a while? What about dating? Will you see other people? Are you going to tell each other about this or keep it personal?
As long as these boundaries are discussed, and both partners are comfortable, there is no reason for any hard feelings. However, it’s crucial to be upfront with one another, because your ideas of limits will more than likely differ from what your partner believes in. Don’t leave this kind of thing up to chance; making assumptions are deemed the root of all evil in relationships. So if you want to be happy with how things work out, express yourself right off the bat.
2. Let’s discuss jealousy.
Even though you and your partner agreed to allow one another to see other people while on your break, jealousy almost always finds its way. Many partners will even go out of their way to make they're significant other resent letting them go. Instagram posts with another cutie or ambiguous interactions with someone new on Twitter.
The best way to cope with these inevitable occurrences is to accept that they will happen before they even do. Mind that even though it pains you to see, you do want the absolute best for your partner and you’re willing to let them experiment with themselves and others. Remind yourself of that quintessential line, “If it’s meant to be, it will be." Perhaps, your significant other needs to date around to find out that what they want is impossible to find with any other partner than you.
3. Time to focus on you.
Riding solo is the optimal opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and hiding away, get out into the world and find out what makes you happy.
As a single person, you’ll have extra time to organize your priorities and get your life on track. Once you’re content with your relationship with yourself, then you can reconsider introducing someone else into your life.
But first, make sure that you know how to spend time alone, and enjoy your own company. Solitude will teach you independence, so when you are in a relationship again, you won’t rely on that person as your sole supporter and root of happiness. Date someone because you want to be with them, not because you need them to survive.
Getting Back Together
It can be a tough call whether rekindling a relationship is a smart decision. Should we start out as friends again? Jump immediately back into the romance? Cut ties for good? When you spend great periods apart from this person, it’s easy to convince yourself that you’ve moved on.
The greatest test is to look them in the eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say “this is not what I want anymore.” Make sure you’re both on the same page and that you’re sure of what you want for your futures, independently as well as together. You should ask yourself a few questions before getting back together with this person, to avoid an unhealthy pattern of break-ups and make-ups.
After spending months apart from this person, ask yourself if there’s a part of you that still misses the memories of what you had with this person, and would you be willing to revisit the relationship. Think about what went wrong, on your end and on your partner’s behalf—have you noticed a change, progress among either of your behaviors? Ultimately you have to weigh the positives and negatives. You have to ask yourself, “Am I in a better place in my life now where I truly believe I am ready to try this again?” Do you find yourself wishing you could tell this person things going on in your life? So, what are you so afraid of? Life is all about taking chances, fighting for what you know and love, after all, isn’t it? It’s common for young adults to make mistakes with first loves, but the beauty of this is the lessons learned.
With time to reflect on mistakes, and fix them, we are likely to have better odds of our relationship working out the next time around. I think it all comes down to gaining trust back in your partner. You have to let go of the past and realize that maybe it was just bad timing, maybe you think about this person from time to time because you truly were meant to reconnect one day, maybe a break was all you needed to realize this. It’s natural to feel inclined to reach out to this person at some point, perhaps to see what they’re up to, how they are, what’s new.
If you do decide to test out the waters again or even just try out a friendly and platonic relationship, do so with caution. It’s easy for us to be attached to what’s comfortable. I think a sign that you’re actually experiencing nostalgia for this person is when you start to date other people and look for characteristics of your ex in others. When you are constantly seeking to find that spark with others that you had with your ex, maybe it means you really did have something special with them that you won’t find in another.
A common problem several of us young adults encounter is familiarity bias—where we rely on another person to fix our long-term issues we need to address for ourselves, and by ourselves.
An effective option while on a break is to use your resources—go see a therapist, engage in talk therapy, have them help you rediscover yourself and love yourself. It’s like the “hard reset” function on our iPhones, a period of growth where you can really zero in on certain areas of your life. These changes don’t take forever, sometimes not long at all, but I can confidently say that the best way to get better is to address your issues head-on — no more excuses.
The neat part about life is that we never really know where it might take us. Every small choice we make on a daily basis is what leads us to those big life changing decisions which make us who we are. Therapists believe that the most important aspect of a break is the regained trust and strength of the relationship when reunited. There’s something to be said about a couple that has history and has endured so much together. Of course, some memories aren’t the greatest, but the fact that you made it out of rough waters and never gave up proves that you two can withstand anything. The faith between a couple who has parted ways and comes back together is immense.
All in all, career building and discovery of our potential in our 20's is vital for our future success. I am a firm believer that we should always put the relationship with ourselves first, but we shouldn’t put up walls to the wonderful people around us who are willing to tear them down. We need to learn how to let people in, we need to form relationships with a variety of people to learn what we like and dislike, we must experience other people, but we have to be sure not to lose track of ourselves along the way. Nonetheless, please don’t give up on love after some bad experiences.
Would someone with a few asthma attacks want to give up on oxygen? Trust me, when the time is right for a relationship, you won’t have to force it. You’ll just know.
