Dear Dorms, Dormitories, and Residence Halls,

We’ve finally been forced to part ways. I wish I could tell you I was upset about this, but we both know that’s a lie. Besides, I’m sure you’ll find someone new to take my place very soon, if you haven’t already.

I’ve already replaced you—there’s much less drama in my life now. I don’t have to put up with people running up and down the halls and playing loud music at midnight. You always did like to start drama. Now, it almost seems like there was never a single moment of peace.

And I have much more control over my own life now. I’m not forced to share everything, and I finally have my own space. I always liked you when we were together, but you had far too many roommates. I shouldn’t have had to share a bathroom with 20 other people. That’s just insane.

And who doesn’t have a kitchen in this day and age? I always had to go out for food, even if it was 20 below or pouring rain. I know you were trying to conserve space, but I think that’s taking it a little too far.

Sure, when we first got together, everything was great. It’s always like that. I was happy to be living away from my parents for the first time, and was looking forward to meeting new people. But some of the people you forced me to live near were just downright odd. Who really needs to go out every night, or take naps in the hallway? It was strange.

Then I moved to your new place, which you promised me was better. And you didn’t lie—it was definitely an upgrade. But in some ways, it was even more inconvenient than the last place. I had to put up with smaller bathrooms and fewer sinks, for one thing.

After awhile, I started avoiding you. I can admit that. When I left for class in the morning, I would take everything I needed for the rest of the day so I wouldn’t have to make the commute back. Part of it was due to my busy schedule and a desire to not have to constantly trek back and forth to your place—but it was also partially because I felt that we needed to spend more time apart.

For that, I’m sorry. No one deserves to be stuck with someone who doesn’t want to spend time around them, who would rather be elsewhere, doing other things. I hope whoever you find to replace me is better about that, at least.

Plus, I got sick of your nickname. Who else in the world is nicknamed "GK?" And despite what you thought, you weren't very well-known by that nickname. No one ever seemed to know what I was talking about when I used it.

For all of these reasons, our break-up is still your fault.

Sorry, Goodwin-Kirk. It’s not me; it’s you.

Sincerely,