As a little girl, I remember keeping my thoughts to myself at all times. I was that girl who never spoke unless spoken too. Growing up I was called “quiet” and “reserved.” These traits allowed people to take advantage of me and play into my vulnerabilities. I was taught that evil was always to be reciprocated with kindness, in order to avoid further mistreatment. So, while I was bullied in school for silly things like being “too tall,” “too big,” having “uneven skin,” not wearing the “most trendy clothes” or for having hair that was “too long,” I just allowed the bullying to continue by ignoring the hateful comments.
Truth be told, it actually worked. When you respond to hate with hate, you have worse experiences in return. When you respond to hate with silence, the silence speaks volumes. People eventually realize that you are strong because rather than combusting, you are able to stay dignified and keep your emotions at a standstill. Of course, I would eventually let these emotions out, whether I was alone in my room or talking to a close friend or family member about my feelings.
Crying is a way of opening up that bottle within you, and letting out its contents. It can do magic. Despite the perks of having this temperament, I have realized that there are plenty of negative components to it. My old self was someone who wished she were different. I wish she was more willing to express feelings, more willing to pull out a strong fight. Less exhausted and more explosive. My new self can look back at my old self and proudly say: Wow, she has changed. She is now more outspoken. But is she still afraid of what people think when she truly expresses herself and speaks her mind?
Although it is true that I have changed tremendously, I still lack confidence and have restraints in certain social situations. I do not always fully conform to societal expectations of being a “social butterfly”. Sometimes I am afraid of showing people who I truly am on the inside, because I fear that they will reject me. I am someone who likes to reveal more of myself the more people will know me, because I value trust in friendship -- and trust is not something that can be easily earned.
In total, I am someone who only shares myself with those who I can trust and those who I know will stand by me through the thick and thin. This is not a bad thing, however I realize that with this responsibility of protecting myself, I am also rejecting other people from my life. People who I may actually need in my life. People who will show me new ways of thinking, new ways of loving, and new ways of living life.
My other constraints are in the way I present myself. I also have these thoughts in my subconscious: Maybe my opinions will come out too strong? Maybe I will be too overpowering for some people? Maybe people will start disliking me once they learn who I truly am? The truth of the matter is this: You never know until you try. There may be people out there who truly wish to get to know you but it is too hard for them to get to you. In order to make their jobs less hard, why don't you make the effort?
Do not live with this constant fear. Speaking your mind allows you to explore human reactions and interactions. It allows you to explore hidden boundaries within yourself and exercise self awareness. I sometimes find it hard to raise my hand in a large lecture hall, flirt with that guy at the cafe, wear clothes that are out of my “normal comfort zone,” and try new things, but I am learning. I have made progress, and with each new experience I will learn more about myself. I will work one step at a time.
