She sits in her room most days, just staring out the window. Her hands uncontrollably shake.
She grips her thigh to try and make it stop, now her hand and thigh are shaking. She gazes out the window wishing she could be normal. Think normal. Act normal. Feel normal. She’ll never be normal. How do I deal with all of this? There’s no escaping my own thoughts and body. It overtakes me every day. I wish someone could help me, no one knows my thoughts but me.
She heard the door open but didn’t turn to see who it was, she didn’t care anyway. “Are you hungry?” got asked followed by “You really should eat something, please.” All she got was a head shake no. I can’t eat, I can’t even get up. I just want to sleep. Pass time. I’m not the same.
She wakes up in the morning, takes medicine that's supposed to help her, but she hasn't felt a change yet. She thinks.
Does the medicine really help with the lack of dopamine? Or do we just take the medicine and after taking it for a while we make ourselves believe it's working? Or are we told it works by doctors and parents to make us think it’s working but when we stop taking it because we think we're “better” but as soon as we stop taking it we're on a downhill spiral back to the person we don’t want to be?
She fakes a smile just so people won’t ask what’s wrong. He broke her, what does she do while he’s fine without her and she’s struggling to get up in the morning and get the motivation to go out. Work's her escape place, the one place she can be happy and forget about everything for a little while. Only four hours. It feels like an eternity. She’ll be okay, no matter how broken she is on the inside. She’ll never show it on the outside. She’s had a life full of heartbreak. Nothing new. Nothing less. She’s okay. No worries. I want to do all of this but it’s my brain is telling me not to, it’s holding me back and I can’t stop it. I wish I could, I want to be better, I want to be happy. I HATE feeling like this. She has so many accomplishments like graduating, but no one knows the struggles behind getting up and getting to school everyday, actually going to classes and being able to pay attention. She never wanted anyone to see that side of her, she wants everyone to see how good she's doing even if she not doing good at all, she wants people to believe she is. Through the break up and getting her heart broken she always tried to have a smile on her face on her worst days. She did it, she graduated high school and is doing pretty good in college when she thought she couldn't do it anymore.
