Dear Overly-Caffeinated and Frenzied Friends,
To begin, this is more of a confessional letter than a reprimand. If you, like me, are a connoisseur of all things coffee-related I have some news: Caffeine is a serious drug.
As I have taken up the habit of 5-6 cups per day and ride an almost constant high of concentrated espresso shots, I have no room for judgment nor will I pretend that the scope of research devoted to caffeine addiction has left any sort of dent in my habit.
Once my brother pulled me aside and with the utmost earnest countenance chastised me for my addiction.
It’s a drug, he said.
You’re addicted, he said.
It’s unhealthy, he said.
You can’t drink coffee like it’s water, he said.
I’m pretty sure that I knocked our glasses together and called cheers. It wasn’t the most tender way to approach the situation, I’ll admit.
According to Gerald Gabriel in his article “The Drug of Choice: Caffeine and the Brain,” the buzz of caffeine is less from the drink itself, and rather the response of the body to break down what it recognizes as “poison.” Nearly 70 percent of the caffeine molecule is converted to paraxanthine, a molecule similar in structure to caffeine and with a similar effect on the brain. As it turns out, the majority of the buzz that caffeine provides stems from its breakdown into paraxanthine and not the ingestion of the molecule itself.
My brother might have been onto something after all. But the knowledge that caffeine is poison does nothing to detour me from the enticement of the nectar of the gods; and according to the study I am not the first, nor the last, to forsake general health in favor of the life-giving liquid. According to Gabriel, research states that with the exception of water “beverages containing caffeine are the most popular on the planet—even more popular than alcohol.”
This means that the shame you feel when you order the half-caff latte with extra whipped cream, half a shot of espresso and two different syrups isn’t such an uncommon phenomena. Odds are, you’re not the only one holding up the line to satiate the pre-coffee monster inside you.
However, this love affair with lattes leads to a fatal break-up. If caffeine bleeds into our system like poison, it exits with a far greater vengeance. Those of you who depend on their french press to make it through the day are most likely all too familiar with the migraines, muscle aches and general sense of hatred for all things that accompanies a lack of caffeine in a pre-caffeinated form. Have you ever missed your morning Cup of Joe only to find yourself approaching the day like a cast member of the "Walking Dead"? Does it take everything in you to force yourself to refrain from punching the stupid out of people when they berate you for your dependence on that sacred morning mug? Do you find yourself contemplating your existence after a bag of grounds has run dry?
Have no fear, you’re not alone. According to Joseph Stromberg of the Smithsonian Magazine within “24 hours of quitting” caffeine the “withdrawal symptoms begin.” Caffeine itself has been named the “world’s most popular psychoactive” drug. Psychoactive for the fact that caffeine molecules basically completely shut down the brain’s brake system. Yanking it away is basically grabbing the emergency brake when your rocketing down the highway a 100 MPH.
So, basically, if I want to make it out of college alive than my coffee addiction is a necessity.
To my overly-caffeinated friends, I am sure that these facts do nothing to distract you from the sweet bliss of a sip of coffee as it's never kept me from refraining from my dependence, but next time you grip that mug with both hands to pose for a sweet Instagram pic, consider the internal battle that rages in your body with each drop of glory.
All things considered, I think we can all agree that the world is a safer place under the influence of copious quantities of our caffeinated-coffee-friend ... even if the crazier parts of our brain are awakened in the transaction.
