I have seen a lot written lately about how men no longer respect women. It seems that women and men alike are upset that the traditional views of relationships are fading from the lives of Millennials. This idea of respect that some argue is missing is coming from a place of traditional gender roles, such as men paying for everything, pulling out chairs and holding doors. I have even seen people go so far as to mourn the loss of standing up when a woman enters the room or holding her arm as she crosses the street. While everybody’s relationships are different and everyone has different expectations, I want to explain that it's perfectly acceptable to be happy without the top hat and cane -- and why I actually prefer it that way!
My boyfriend is a lot of things: kind, generous, caring and respectful. However, the one thing he is not is the traditional gentleman. He doesn’t hold the door for me any more than I do for him. We split the check -- except when one of us pays. We buy each other gifts and do things for each other, but we do it because we want to and we know that it is never because either person feels obligated to do anything. The idea that a man has to take care of a woman is an old one, and it may seem strange to be okay with having to take care of yourself while being entirely invested in a relationship. To me at least, this kind of relationship is an opportunity to think about why men are expected to be protectors and how a woman can be completely respected without the traditional gentleman role.
He is this way not because he doesn't respect me, but because he does. Let me explain. My boyfriend believes that I am a strong and capable equal partner in a relationship. He doesn’t always do the things that gentlemen do because he knows I can do it myself, and so do I. If I need him to carry something or reach something, he is happy to help, but he knows he doesn’t have to hold doors or pay for movies, because in our situation it wouldn’t make much sense. We are both in college, we both make a (very little!) bit of money and we both have a car. That’s why we share driving time, expenses and nearly everything else. Men can show that they care about you by supporting you emotionally -- which doesn’t have to equate to picking up the check! We don't grab a calculator every time we go out, or make an effort to divide all expenses exactly down the middle, but share responsibilities and go with what feels natural and who has cash at the moment. This kind of relationship isn't stressful and doesn't require any more thought than any other. In fact, it might feel more natural. By splitting the expenses, both people are able to save for the future and feel that they are contributing to the relationship. Nobody is dependent on the other one, which opens the doors to a more equal way of communicating because at least financially, neither partner holds more power.
In my case, having such an equal partnership leads to better communication all around, and this leads to much less fighting. We rarely fight at all, and I truly believe that this is because we have created a relationship based on the idea that we are equals, and we try not to think about “boy roles” and “girl roles” in our relationship -- we just do what feels natural for us! Everyone has different values and expectations for a relationship, but moving forward, think about what you expect from your partner and why, and maybe we can move to a more accepting view of partnerships that don’t encourage women to be dependent on men. Next time you go out to dinner with your boyfriend- try splitting the check! His reaction might be eye-opening.
