Recommended for you

Start writing a post

Health and Wellness

To My Boyfriend, From My Anxiety

I am sorry my anxiety controls so much of me.

Carley Hebert

Oct 17, 2016

Carroll University

1165

Carley Hebert

To the one who signed up for loving me and everything that comes with me,

I want to start by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things actually. I’m sorry for the fact that I find myself consistently analyzing the cadence of your sentence. I’m sorry that sometimes I think your feelings have changed because we’re not doing something as simple holding hands while walking down the street.

I’m sorry for the sleep you lose consoling me. It was never my intention for you to worry about my well-being. I’m fine, I promise. At least, I will be in a few minutes, hours or days. I'm sorry for the sleep I lose and you still worrying about me. I will eventually get some rest.

In those times, in my bad days, please bear with me. You’ve chosen me and all that comes with me for a reason.

Loving you has been one of the easiest and hardest things I’ve ever done, all at the same time. You have given me something to fight for forever. I hope that my fear of driving you away somehow never becomes a reality. I can’t control that though, and that scares me, too. You have given me no reason for these fears. It’s nothing you’ve ever done or said. It’s the opposite really. My anxiety makes me feel as though I am not deserving of you.

Like you said, “I love you. That's all that matters.” You’re right. It is. I wish that were enough for my anxiety, and I wish I could understand it to the same degree you mean it. More days than not, my anxiety doesn’t allow for that. I know you love me, and I love you more than words can describe. One day my anxiety will grasp that it is all that matters.

I’m sorry it’s not always easy to be with me. I know it wasn’t like this to start out, back before I was comfortable enough to show you what really goes on in my head. Sometimes, I regret opening up some of my thoughts, but I know you need to see them. I know when you ask "how are you?" that I need to be honest in telling you how I really am. I need to know that you can manage the tangled mess of thoughts, doubts and fears that constantly trouble every decision that I make. I am so lucky that so far, you have.

Please, be patient with me. There are days when I will need you more than anything, and there are days when I don’t want to leave my bed. On the days when I need you (which will probably outweigh the time I need alone), please be my sounding board if I want to spill out every emotion and thought that tortures my being. Be my silent support when I don’t want to talk about it. Hold me as tightly as you can if I break down.

As I continue writing this, I hate it. It makes me sound clingy and needy, and I hate that. That is my anxiety. But having you makes it easier. It lightens the punch to the chest I feel every time an anxiety attack comes on. I would way rather having my anxiety with you than without.

You are the support I was too scared to ask for before. Please, know when I ask for it, I need it more than I can put into words. I won’t ask for you unless I am genuinely terrified I can’t handle this by myself anymore. This is my anxiety.

I love you,

Carley

Report this Content

This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Student Life

25 Thoughts Everyone Has When Registering For Classes

May the odds be ever in your favor.

University of Nebraska Omaha

199

University of Nebraska at Omaha

Creating your schedule for the upcoming semester can be an exciting process. You have the control to decide if you want to have class two-days a week or five-days a week. You get to check things off of your requirement checklist. It's an opportunity for a fresh start with new classes (which you tell yourself you'll never skip.) This process, which always starts out so optimistic, can get frustrating really quickly. Here are 25 thoughts you have when registering for classes.

Keep Reading...Show less

class registration

Student Life

10 Thoughts Of A 5th Year Senior

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

University of Kentucky

811

pointsincase.com

"College will be the best four years of your life" is a phrase that we have all heard growing up. College is painted as a magical place to us while we are in high school. A place you go to learn, meet your best friends and probably have the time of your life while all of this is going down. Four whirlwind years, where everything that you've known changes and you start to learn what it means to live on your own, have a job, etc. But what about those of us who don't do this all in four years? Major changes, hard courses, switching schools, career paths changing, these are just a handful of factors that could extend your four years to five, six or seven. There is nothing wrong with taking extra time to graduate, but returning as a fifth-year is a little different. Most of your best friends have most likely graduated and moved and while you may be one of the oldest undergraduates on campus, you might feel as awkward as a freshmen. A world that became home and comfortable to you is still there but it's slightly different than you've known it to be and you have to find a groove to fall into. These are thoughts you'll have as you look ahead to returning to your college campus, with a victory lap planned.

Keep Reading...Show less

senior year

Entertainment

17 Times "Friends" Accurately Described Life

You can't say that no one told you life was gonna be this way.

Western New England University

106

In the 12 years since it went off the air, "Friends" continues to be adored by millions. The show that gave generations unrealistic expectations about love (or should I say lobsters?) and New York City apartments had a charming cast of characters that everyone could relate to at some point or another. Here are 17 times Ross, Monica, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe and Rachel accurately described life.

Keep Reading...Show less

friends

Entertainment

11 Times Aubrey Plaza Described Sophomore Year

"I don't want to do things. I want to do not things."

Denison University

480

Flickr Creative Commons

Aubrey Plaza is one of my favorite humans in Hollywood. She's honest, blunt, unapologetic, and hilarious. I just started my sophomore year of college, and found that some of her best moments can accurately describe the start of the school year.