To the boy who keeps my world spinning,

When I first found out about you, I’ll be honest, I was terrified, I was upset, I was trying to be happy, I was just a whole platter of emotions. I was not in any place to have a baby; emotionally, physically or mentally. Someone told me to just go get an abortion, but, I couldn’t do it. No matter how scared I was, I couldn’t do that to you. You deserved to come into the world, and the world deserved to see you. I wasn’t about to be the one to take that away.

And boy, am I glad that I went through that terrifying 9 months. You are the most amazing little man. (Yes, I know I’m being biased). When you came into the world, almost 3 years ago now, everything changed. All my worry and fear went away the second the nurse put you in my arms. You looked like a wrinkled little old man, but the most precious baby in the world, all in one. I remember you calmed down almost instantaneously when I started talking to you, and my mom saying to me “He knows you’re his mommy, look how fast you calmed him down. You did great, baby." And I just started crying all over again. We have a bond like no other. You are my constant, you are my baby, you are my son.

But, notice what I kept saying. MY. Your biological father left the day I found out I was pregnant with you. And I think that’s what scared me even more than just being pregnant, it was being pregnant alone. A boy needs a father, and yours walked out on you. I blamed myself for it at first, but, it’s his loss. Down the road, when you ask about him, because I know it’s bound to happen, I’ll tell you the truth. And if you still want to find him, I won’t stop you, but I’ll also let you know not to expect too much.

When you were about two months old, a man came into our lives, and he picked up all the pieces. He helped put your mommy back together, he helped me raise you for a little over two years. He was there for your first Thanksgiving, your first Christmas, birthdays, your first steps, first words. All your big life moments, he was there. He was daddy.

And then one day, he left. He said he wasn’t happy, he said he didn’t think we were supposed to be married. He said he didn’t think he was supposed to be your father, just a father figure. And he left. He didn’t even say goodbye to you. And just like that, it was just me and you again. Two peas in a pod.

I will never stop trying and being my best for you, because I’m all you have. It’s just me and you, Bunky. And I am so, so sorry, that you have now had not one, but two fathers walk out on you. Granted, your biological one has never met you, but, that doesn’t make it any better. Of course, I was upset when my relationships with those two men ended, but I was more upset for you. Legally, you have no father. And I sincerely hope that one day, that will change.

But until then, just know that I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.