I remember that Saturday and how great of a day I was having. I know this because I kept texting you about it and you replied like your usual self.

I remember having my bag already packed with clothes to bring to your house and stay over for the weekend.

I remember getting your text asking to come by to explain why you were being weird that Thursday before. When you spent the entire night lying on your bedroom floor, completely away from me, already shutting me out. But I just took it as a joke because you were just being your usual weird self. Something you would most definitely say to me.

I remember asking what it was about and when you said it was us and that it was bad I was already starting to have a panic attack and crying, gasping for what little air I could fill my lungs with.

I remember seeing your car going into the parking lot and me running out already awaiting the inevitable.

I remember the look on your face, the kind of face people give you when you're about to get bad news and they try to hold back on telling you because you know you're not to going to like it and you'll be a wreck.

I remember holding onto you for dear life, never wanting to let you go because I knew the minute you left it would be the end.

I remember sitting on the concrete with your head in my chest bawling your eyes out as I hugged you tightly. I knew this was hard on you because in the 15 months we were together I had never seen you cry. At least I know you were hurting just as much as I was and still am hopefully.

I remember being so frazzled from the crying, being out of breath and not having eaten since breakfast assuming we'd be going out that night that I threw up behind the dumpster. You were nice enough to bring me water. Nice even down to the end, I wasn't surprised by that one bit.

I remember begging you to stay, and every time you said you were leaving I begged you to stay longer.

I remember you telling me how strong I was and how strong I've become since last year. Then why do I feel so weak right now and every little thing I do makes me tear up?

I remember you telling me how I'd find someone better and I was going to go on and do such amazing things in my life. Right now it's kind of hard for me to believe any of it.

I remember you telling me not to watch you drive away yet I stood on my front porch steps until your car was no longer in sight.

You even gave me the work shirt off your back because I told you I wanted something that smelled like you. It's in the corner of my room, along with the rest of the things that remind me of you. I took down the framed picture of us I had in my room, along with the frame of flower petals I had from when you got them for me for Halloween and Valentine's Day. The blanket you got me for Christmas that I slept with every single night is folded in the corner too. I still sleep with the other shirt you let me keep.

I remember going bowling with a friend right after and we stayed there for 3 hours and every song that came on gave me a reason to think of you.

I remember going to a bar with another friend that same night and getting drunk and going back to sleep on her futon because I couldn't stand going back to my bed when I should've been in yours.

I remember waking up at 6 that morning, having sobered up, and bawling my eyes out again.

I remember sitting on the rocks at the beach with my mom, sobbing into her chest as she held me and never let go.

I remember going into work this week and find myself crying and having to go to the bathroom to wipe my makeup off my face from where my tears made it run, walk back out and put a smile on my face and pretend everything was alright.

I remember it all

To be honest, I wasn't going to write anything. How could I when there was so much to say? But as I went on to the next day and the next day I found I could barely make it through. I'm still struggling now and it's taking everything in me to get these words down without tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision.

Because Chris, you meant so much to me.

For 15 months I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life and that's no exaggeration. You made me feel like all the shit I went through in my past was worth going through because, in the end, I got you out of all of it. I got so comfortable around you that I never felt more like myself because you let me be like that. I never second guessed anything and felt content to tell you my schedule every upcoming week because I knew I'd be seeing you at least a few times regardless. Now I'm trying to get used to spending a whole week without driving to your apartment or getting a text from you saying you're heading home or already home. To go from having that to absolutely nothing and no contact with you has been the hardest adjustment for me to get used to so far.

I find myself thinking about every good thing we had and did together and there's so much I couldn't even begin to write them all down. But, there were also some other not so great things too. The fact that you would never put up we were in a relationship or any pictures of us on social media. To make it seem like we weren't even in a relationship, to begin with. I didn't bother trying to post anything or tag you in anything on Facebook because I figured you wouldn't acknowledge it anyway.

You always put your job first, I knew it wasn't worth competing over because I would lose every time anyway. I know that you love your job and you're a hard worker and do so much and work so many hours, but you let it take over. You never thought to ask me to go to any of your work events because you figured I'd be bored. It didn't matter what it was or for, I would've gone and been there to support you. But you never gave me the chance.

You told me you had thought about breaking up with me for the past few months. So why didn't you do it then and just continue to lead me on when you knew the inevitable was going to come? you completely blindsided me because I thought we were both on the right track. But I was pushing forward while you were trailing slowly behind.

Part of me wants to take the blame for it. I should have never written that note to you about where I saw our future going and what I saw for us. About wanting to move in with you because apparently, the thought of it made you cringe. At least I know now why you never gave me a key to your place. I was going to jokingly ask for one for Christmas this year.

When you told me your reason for breaking up was that you couldn't see a future with me but you still loved me, I was confused. How could you stand in front of me saying you loved me, crying, hugging and kissing me and still let me go? Why did you talk about plans for a trip next year and what we were going to do for our year and a half anniversary? Why did you talk about what our house would look like, the dogs we would have, our kids names, and having a whole room dedicated to shelves of books? Did you do it just to coddle me? To tell me what I wanted to hear? I don't want to believe that, but don't you dare say you didn't see a future with me when you talked with me about that stuff and then get it to save in my mind to envision.

I put you on such a high pedestal I couldn't reach it anymore. I became so enamored by you that I held on and never let go. I wanted to be with you all the time to a point where I was canceling plans with my friends that we set up a week prior. It wasn't fair and I've realized how much of a shitty friend I've been to the ones who will always be there for me. I'm thankful they would still drop everything to be there for me when I practically took them out of mine without a second thought.

I don't want to bash you in this, that wasn't my intention. But when my stages of grief have changed from sadness to anger every day it's hard to keep my emotions in check when I feel like I'm losing control and myself in the process. Because I don't hate you, I could never hate you. I hate what you did and I'm still racking my brain around it. I still love you and it's going to take a lot of time for me to erase you from my memory. But even then you'll still be in it. You were my first love and first heartbreak and I couldn't take that away no matter how much I tried.

I'm going to miss so much now that we're not together anymore.

I'm going to miss sleeping in on Sunday's and then getting lunch at the 99.

I'm going to miss reading in bed with you while you complain I'm taking up too much of the middle. I just always wanted to be close to you.

I'm going to miss you complimenting me even when I didn't think I looked nice.

I'm going to miss the way you'd kiss my entire face just to make me smile.

I'm going to miss you laughing at me when I'd see a dog. I've seen a lot since we broke up that I wish I could tell you about.

I'm going to miss going for rides with you and singing along to the songs. You were the first person to ever tell me I had a good voice.

I'm going to miss hanging out with your friends, they were really great.

I'm going to miss your mom, she was the first mother of a guy I was dating to meet and it's going to take somene great to compete with her because she was so kind and loving. Go visit her more.

I'm going to miss your dad, I can see where you got your sarcasm from.

I'm going to miss your brother, he always took my side when we made fun of you. Spend more time with him.

I'm going to miss Rowdy, he made it easier to cope with losing my dog.

I'm going to miss going to concerts with you and finally being able to have enjoyed them because I was with you.

I'm going to miss you beating me at every game we played, even though I was a sore loser.

I'm going to miss your laugh.

I'm going to miss your smile.

I'm going to miss you picking me up and spinning me around.

I'm going to miss your hugs, god, they were always able to make me feel better.

I'm going to miss your dirty apartment. Please try to clean it more.

I'm going to miss making your bed.

But most of all, I'm going to miss you.

I hope one day when the pain has gone away that we can get to a point where we can speak again. I know we'll never get back together, another thing I've had a hard time coming to conclusion with. But I hope we can be friends because I don't want you out of my life forever.

You're going to do such amazing things in life, and I can't wait to see them unfold from the sidelines where I'll be proud to say I once love that guy and look at him now.

I hope you find someone who doesn't make you afraid of the future and you can actually see one with them. You're going to make that person so happy and you deserve that.

This is not a goodbye, but a see you later. And when I write my first novel I'll make sure to mention you because you pushed me to finally start writing my novel because you believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

I'll talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Loved You And Saw A Future With You