Even though I am Buddhist, I do believe in a God, that He died for our sins and that there is a heaven and hell. I do pray to both religions and that is probably frowned upon since God can be a jealous man and wants us to be dedicated to just Him. I'm not sure if I like that idea. Recently, I have been going to church and temple a bit more because I want to explore my faith. I have wanted to write this letter for the longest time but didn't know how to begin. At last, this letter was born.
Dear God,
Why did you expose me to violence at the age of 5? Why did you instill fear into my heart at that age? Did you have a sense of humor and wanted a laugh? Perhaps you wanted me to learn that not everybody is good. Everyone hurts and will strike you through violence. Maybe you wanted me to be tough.
As a result of being exposed to violence, I was an angry and unhappy child. I was mean to everyone I met. I thought they would like a mean girl like the movies, but no they didn't. No one does.
I understand now so I am trying my best to become a better self with every waking day. I was bullied, suicidal and depressed in 8th grade up until high school. I cried in the bathroom stalls on a daily. I tried to be nicer but no one believed me. Some kids will always think of me as the brat while the other students didn't care when I was picked on.
Did you hear my cries? Did you care or did you turn a blind eye? I heard you love us all so why was my life in shambles when I needed you most? Only a few relatives would speak to me so I thought I was so unloveable that my relatives didn't want anything to do with me. I know now that I am loved. In my darkest days, there was creativity in my writing.
As an outcome of my pain, I wrote poetry. Then my poems turned into articles. In college, I submitted my work but I was shaking. My poems were so depressing I thought no one would read it. But then I stopped myself and asked why I cared so much? These poems are a result of my experiences and no one can take that away. For years, people tried to define who I was.
I came across a quote from Nicki Minaj, "You're not gonna tell me who I am, I'm gonna tell you who I am." Now that quote will remain in the back of my mind. I often wished to be someone else, someone prettier, smarter and successful.
Why though? Why was my self-esteem and confidence so low that I didn't even try to be my best self?
At that point, the haters terrified me so I never tried anything new. I've always wanted to try acting, go to dances and be on the dance team. My mind told me people would make fun of me so I never tried. The day I felt free of the bullies and the hatred was when I graduated high school.
After that, I reinvented myself all over again. I became the person I can say I'm proud to be. But then another obstacle came that crashed my world. I fell in love with a girl. It was unrequited love and I was devastated. I came out as bisexual to my friends.
There's nothing wrong with being apart of the LGBTQ+ community but all my crushes were straight. I felt like I would never find love. I realized I loved too deeply and stopped. I am involved in hobbies like photography, writing, sports and exploring new cafes around my home.
There are more interesting things about me other than my sexuality. I wanted to be like other people who were smart, pretty and talented.
I forgot I am also all of those things. I am smart. I am pretty, amazing and talented in other ways. Writing all of this out I'm wondering if this was apart of your plan. I believe in you but I also believe in Buddha.
Why does religion want to pit us humans against each other? Why can't we all go to heaven and stick with one another? Why can't we meet each other in the afterlife and have a party? Remember the life we all lived, sit back and watch the future generations live? We can all be their guardian angels.
I will always ask too many questions but isn't that why we all have our own brains? To be curious and learn because that is the way to live, that's why we can communicate.
