Staying power. Resilience. Determination. Adaptation. Dedication. Diligence. Perseverance. Push forward. Don’t stop. Surface for breath, only for a moment. Hustle. Grind. Put in the time. Commit. Persist. Pick up your heels. Do what it takes. Get it.
I am forever caught between self-acceptance and self-improvement. Maybe the two can coexist for me after all. This is something I’ve struggled with for decades. Always wanting to be better, to do better. Always with the urge to perfect. An unsettling feeling of never being satisfied with where I am in life and pushing myself to the breaking point. When does self-improvement become an unhealthy obsession? When does pushing ourselves to refine and polish our personas or careers or relationships become a compulsive entanglement?
Coming from a mind state where I refuse to settle, refuse to submit… I am always acutely aware of how I spend my time. I’m hyper-focused on growth and achievement and self-evolution. Oftentimes to a fault. I’ve redefined my approach numerous times, but I’ve always had the same purpose, values and goals in mind. I’m a walking to-do list. I’m an obsessive, compulsive analytical mind and a messy, impulsive heart. My heart is a revolving door. In with the new, out with the old, in, out, in, out. Up up up.
High self-standards might actually be destroying our lives. Perfectionism and compulsive overstriving bring about chronic stress and sleep deprivation. Or maybe I just did it wrong. Either way, It's quite the paradox.
This is my story.
Most importantly, I’m a single mother. 2 years ago, I was making life happen for us in one of the fastest growing cities in the country. I was paying rent on a place that would normally take 2 or 3 incomes. So, naturally, I worked 2 jobs, a total of 60-70 hours/week including my unpaid internship and was also enrolled in college courses and volunteering for various projects around the city and at my daughter’s school. I literally never slept…or maybe 2-3 hours a night when I wasn’t pacing the wood floors of our home in the pressing darkness to figure out how I could be even more productive the next day. I didn’t have time to eat, so I lived off coffee and the occasional sugary pastry. I worshipped my French press. Sometimes I'd find my appetite and I'd eat whatever my daughter left on her plate. Sometimes I remembered to drink water.
I managed to live like this consistently for a little under a year before my body and the universe screamed and revolted. That’s when I experienced my first full-blown panic attack. I’ll never forget that day. The weeks and months following were riddled with a continuous undercurrent of anxiety with more panic attacks peppered in. I was hospitalized numerous times and developed paranoia about the future and how I’d provide for my daughter. I developed hypochondria and an overwhelming sense of doom.
It all sounds awful, yes...but there were diamonds in the rubble. Life lessons I'll forever carry with me. All of this has transformed me. I now know when to slow down, to eat, to breath, to drink water, to meditate. The urge to create and produce and achieve is still very much alive within me, but I’ve certainly improved my ability to hush it when needed. More often than not, the guilt creeps in and I hear myself saying I'm lazy, I'm not doing enough, do more...then I remember that first panic attack and take a deep, corrective breath. It has taken a very long time to recover and I’m still not entirely there. I'm also still identifying the why. Why do I feel the need to overachieve and why I am I never satisfied with the status quo?
Now that my health has improved and I feel like I’ve had some time to recuperate, I’m in school full-time again, I have 2 new jobs - one being my small business which has been an incessant source of stress... and, most importantly, trying to be a mindful and present mother. I am so incredibly thankful for the friends and family who’ve strengthened me on this journey. I’m especially thankful for my mother, who’s undoubtedly allowed me to catch my breath in a time of great, life-changing obstacles.
That all being said, I hope those of you who are like me know your worth and value is so much more than checked items on a to-do list. We are swirly, beaming humans here to create and beautify the spaces we inhabit and the hearts and minds of those we touch.
Do that. Be that.
