I'm in bed at midnight. I'm exhausted. I want to sleep but force myself to stay awake because I keep thinking and thinking and thinking. I wake up one to two times every hour. Once I'm up when the sun rises I cannot fall back asleep. The shaking begins around 6 am every morning and I can't breathe. I am gasping for air. Then that part stops but the shaking continues. I get cold and my body won't stop shaking from the anxiety so I need my blanket to wrap myself in so I stay still and warm. I motivate myself to want to get up every morning at least by 9 a.m. to start my day and try to go to the gym. I end up wrapped around my blanket until noon and I feel shameful.

I finally try and get myself up to do something before I start my afternoon shift at work. I start doing something and the anxiety rises so high that I can't feel my body again. I then crawl back into bed, wrap myself in a blanket and the tears flow. My head starts overthinking.

I now have to get up for work. I just finished my fourth crying session for the day and I try and make myself look somewhat decent for work to look like I am ok. When the boss comes in to greet me, I greet him back with a friendly smile and a hello. Little does he know that I am actually freaking out inside trying to control my body from shaking. I have a million things going on in my mind, making it hard for me to focus on work.

I finally leave my shift and when I get home the tears come again because of the overthinking. I wrap myself in my bed to try and calm down. I look out the window literally every night up to the sky just as I did when I was a little girl, praying that tomorrow will be a better day. I try and go to sleep as I am up shaking for a good three hours.

This is the life of a person living with a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which I have been suffering from for almost a year now. According to the National Institutes of Health, BPD is a serious mental disorder of distorted moods, image, and behavior (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-...) More than 3 million people suffer a year. BPD can cause high tense anxiety, depression, and impulsiveness. Not only do I have a physical disability from a nerve disease, the mental illness I suffer through day in and day out makes getting through the day even more unbearable. There are nine symptoms a person must have to be diagnosed with BPD and of course I have all.

1.) Fear of being abandoned

I have the fear of people leaving me so I have to constantly make sure they are okay, not mad at me, and are still my friend. This actually pushes people away though because I can become intense and clingy. I have a few friends left that bear with me because they know I do not mean to be up their butts all of the time.

2.) Unstable relationships

One day I can think someone is the greatest person ever then the next day I can think they are a horrible person because of something little they did. This is one of the reasons why I try to avoid dating or going out in general even though I want to badly. I do not want to put my significant other through this.

3.) Unclear/unstable self-image

One day I can love myself and think I am amazing. Then if I make a silly mistake I think I am the worst friend and person on the planet. I go back and forth between decisions because I do not know who I am or what I want to be. One day I sign up to take courses for a job I want then I switch to wanting to be a full-time dancer. I will actually start dating someone who I actually like then think I am not good enough so I stop seeing them.

4.) Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors

The risky behaviors I do in a short amount of time to make the moment feel better but it harms me in the long run. I will throw out pictures of a friend when they anger me but then regret it in the long run because I do not have those pictures anymore.

5.) Self-harm

This goes into suicidal thoughts and attempts for suicide. This information I will keep to myself.

6.) Extreme emotional swings

One moment I am happy then two minutes later I am crying. I have trouble brushing off little things. Fortunately, the swings last minutes to hours. Unfortunately, they are unbearable.

7.) Emptiness

I feel that I do not matter to anybody or have a purpose in the world. This makes me feel sad and lonely and that I do not matter.

8.) Explosive anger

Sometimes it is hard for me to control my emotions. I lash out at my parents for things that are so little. I also get angry at myself easily. I get mad at myself for simple little things like forgetting my house key or misplacing an item.

9.) Feeling suspicious/out of touch with reality

I am paranoid a lot. When a guy asks me out, I think they just want sex or to hurt me. The messed up part is I know I would be an awesome girlfriend. I also think unrealistically. Very black and white thinking; if I do not go to grad school then my life is over. If I eat the pizza then I am fat. No gray area. I then begin to feel dizzy, foggy and lose touch with life.

I did not write this article for pity or for people to feel bad for me. I want people to know that a mental illness is a serious and real thing and it is truly unbearable. I want people to know that people with a mental illness are not "crazy" or a "nut case" or whatever harsh words people can think of. We are people with problems which is ok. I am the same loving, outgoing, and talkative person people know me to be. The days just are hard. People think I am crazy when I am not. I learn how to function and cope.

BPD has treatments but it is very hard to overcome. You can take medications and go into Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) which teaches you skills to cope with everyday life. Other types of therapies are available as well. Some people need to be hospitalized.

BPD is one of the most difficult things in the world to cure. It can take a person over 10 years to feel whole again.

I am not sure how my future will turn out. To be honest, I am scared. I am scared I won't get married. I am scared I won't find a job that at least makes me content. I am scared I will have no friends left. I am scared my BPD will run my life forever. All I can do is hope and fight.

If people can be a bit more compassionate and understanding to those with a mental illness, the world would be a better place. I am not saying let people with a mental illness off the hook or treat us less differently. I am saying just be aware and know a mental illness is a real disease that affects people daily.

Be kind, caring, and compassionate. For those who suffer from a mental illness, you may not be alone as you think you are. I hope this article helps heal anyone, even if it is just a tiny bit.

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