When the days splashed with natural sunlight that's when I felt the most happy. My brain was wired to be in tune with nature so every time the weather permitted my mood would change. Foggy days brought foggy hope and rainy days varied,both in sickness and in health my mood would also change, swinging back and swinging forth; I was sea sick but still here I went with the motions of swinging. I was ever changing from the light to the darkness, it's like one side was pulling me and the other side was going the opposite direction stretching out my extremities and testing my core strength, who was I? Strong or weak? My mind would argue constantly with itself while I was sitting in the background screaming for them to just decide who I would be today. Everyone else ran away because I pushed them far and at times I was too disgusted to call out to God even though he knew the disaster I was already. Sometimes I looked at the scars on my arms and felt like I wanted to cut both of my arms off to hide my "crazy" sometimes I felt like that word was super-glued to my skin and I felt like the mess in my room resembled the mess in my life and I wanted the sun to always shine so I could too and I wanted summer's warmth and I wanted the calmness of the hot season breeze. I totally had an epiphany right now, that I was hurting so bad inside but I was not going full blown maniac this time, I felt it inside though chaos swishing to the ventricles in my heart telling me to act cured and well and to do something extraordinary, the sun was shining I needed to as well...but I was fury anyway with just existing I am still amazing, I am breathing even in darkness I am an eagle a queen a ball of hope for my friends a beautiful role model for my daughter a warrior and I will mend my wings I love this disease of borderline personality disorder I hate it. My thoughts are short, they don't run together smoothly like a well thought out painting. I am in drunkenness to the world, but without my borderline mind I am not sober either.