All my life I've wanted to feel like I was truly good at something. Like I had some talent or hobby that was unique to me. I grew up consuming media of people pursuing their passions. I begged the question "what is mine?" For some reason, I could never stick to anything. Everyone around me likes something whether it be video games, superheroes, youtube, books, makeup, art, or even fitness. I just watch TV and scroll through my social media accounts. Most of the time I have to pull my own teeth to get myself to do anything else with my alone time. My mental illness has prevented me from creating my own personality. I have the worst sense of self. The most heartbreaking statement I have ever admitted is that I wonder what it feels like to be a person. When I'm alone often I feel like I don't exist. It's hard for me to do anything at all. Most people cherish their alone time and use it to participate in their hobbies and interests. Me? I just stare at screens wishing I had the will to do anything else.

I tried dancing when I was young, and acting. I absolutely loved being on stage and performing, but I never did anything to truly commit to it. For a while, I thought maybe radio and TV production would be something I enjoyed, and again I never kept at it. The only thing I felt I could do was to sit idly on my phone, watch television, and interact with others. I always found excuses to get out of things, even those I enjoyed. Most of the time I just didn't care enough. Looking back I wish I could tell myself the regret I feel now about not pursuing my interests to the fullest extent. I watch my friends create beautiful art on and off stage. I see the children in my life performing at their schools and getting better each year. I never had that, and I can't explain how much I wish I did. I don't even truly have interests.

I had so much opportunity when I was younger. I could've joined the drama club, stayed in the chorus, read more books, tried new crafts, and really put my energy into something. I'll admit I'm a great caretaker, but that's also the biggest burden in my life. I don't feel like I'm living my life for myself, I feel like I'm here to help everyone else. My mental illness has caused me to have severe lack of self-motivation, and as a result, I never really had the energy to keep up with an interest. I don't have that ultimate life-changing dream that everyone else seems to have. All I know is that owning my own business sounds incredible. I always said that I wanted to do so many things, but I never put my best foot forward into doing so. I've always pushed things off like I wasn't the priority in my life.

For a long time, I thought I was just too tired, lazy, or simply busy. There are skills that I don't have due to my mental illness that make it difficult for me to succeed. I'm not sure if it's motivation, consistency, tenaciousness, or patience but whatever it may be, I want to work on it.. I have to observe how other people maintain their hobbies, schedules, and interests. I truly don't know how to do so. I just want to feel like I have something that's mine, that I'm proud of. I feel like I'm skilled on the surface of many things, but that I do not have one thing I feel truly connected with. That's why I call myself the Jay of Trades. In a positive light, I guess it's great to have experience in so many areas. I just want to carve myself out and feel like I know who I am.

So what did borderline steal from me? My sense of self, and potential for a fuller life. I have an incredible amount of support in my life and I'm determined to no longer let my mental illness hold my back. Still the statement shows "you are what you do, not what you say you'll do" I could talk about these things all day, but doing them is what matters most. So this is my self-proclamation: I will take those dance classes, climb a rock wall, start writing more, read a book, try more crafts, maybe join something theater related, maybe start a podcast or a blog, but ultimately I will start shaping who I am. I have to.