I've never reached a point in my life where I could look at my body and say, "I'm ok."
One of the first few things that was repeatedly told to me was that I had to keep myself well groomed. This meant that I needed to know where to shave, how to wear makeup, to always have my hair done, to wear form-fitting shirts, skirts, and dresses all the time. I was never taught how to do any of these things though.
It didn't matter that I wasn't comfortable wearing tight clothes. That I kept cutting myself really bad while shaving. That neither my mother or I had the money to get my hair done or buy new wigs. Just that if I didn't do these things, I'd never be married.
The majority of my time in school, people would laugh at my weight or my appearance. I would be sexually harassed because my chest was so big. I never wore a training bra like the other girls in my class. In 7th grade I went from a normal flat chested girl to a triple D.
Getting around was much harder on my lungs. I couldn't wear normal clothes anymore; I had to shop at Lane Bryant with my mother and other old women were always shocked I was only 13. My mother would be angry at me for eating too much. All I wanted was a breast reduction so I could feel like a human being.
After high school, trying to form romantic relationships had been damn near impossible. Either I'm fat or I'm ugly. Sometimes it's both reasons. And people are never shy about sparing my feelings in this regard. One girl flat out told me she'd visit my grave because I was so ugly. If you have ever see the movie "The Color Purple" the main character Celie is my twin in life. It was like Alice Walker wrote my biography or something.
It's only the last few years that I've actively decided to try and change my life.
I don't know if I'll ever get to a "my body is ok" moment in my life. But I have reached the point where I don't want to die alone, so I'm willing to try and accept myself.
Outside of my general exploration in the kink/BDSM community that I embarked on a year and a half ago, earlier this year I attended two events; This Is My Body and the Explore More Summit. This Is My Body was a full day body acceptance intensive put on by a local kink and sexual freedom leader. It was a VERY emotional day for a lot of us in attendance.
We pinpointed some of the roots of our body shame, wrote about foods that made us happy despite the guilt that came from others about eating it, and we faced ourselves naked in the mirror to point out what we saw as beautiful in ourselves.
The Explore More Summit was an online week long body and relationship seminar. I am currently still wrapping my head around all the body positive and relationship counseling wisdom that seminar bestowed upon me eight months later. I have also decided to watch more body positive Youtubers such as LoeyLane/LearningToBeFearless and Meghan Tonjes.
The first week of December there will be a Bodies Edition of The Explore More Summit. Everyday a teaser comes out about this specialty Summit, which is letting me prepare for how intense this will be since I have very low self-esteem.
As this journey continues, times will get tough and times will be really rough. I still always hope one day I can finally look at myself and say, "you know what? I'm ok."
