Unfortunately, rape culture is an ongoing epidemic in this nation, and it's something I have become a survivor of. Since the assault happened, I've given advice to other girls about their attackers, and how to stop something like that from happening again with someone else.
I'm ruthlessly stern when I tell a boy "no" when it comes to anything: kissing, touching, or even a hand on my shoulder. But, there have been times after my assault happened that "no" was a hard concept for some boys to grasp. It has never gone as far as another assault, but it has taken more than one "no" or a slap of a hand away or even a firm kick in the stomach to get them to stop. I know in this situation, it's okay to be harsh and rude about it if they're being persistent. Yet, I still blame myself for why the keep going.
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I almost feel bad for saying no. I can tell they're filled with desire and want me so badly. They're usually attractive and I think they're great guys, but there are people I meet that I truly have no desire in ever having any kind of relationship with. They compliment me and they're interested and it makes me feel wonderful. So, when they go to make a move, I feel as though my laughing and courtesy has led them on to think beyond of where we actually stand.
I say "no". They say they're okay with that, but they keep kissing me anyway. So, I try to play along with it, but I can't. I say "stop" and for them, they only take it as "slow down." I even pull the "I'm a rape victim" card to try and make them feel uncomfortable with moving forward. But, that's not always the case either. So, eventually I get angry and tell them to just leave, and I'll block them on every social media platform I have so they have absolutely no way to contact me ever again. And the worst part? I don't know which is worse: the fact that boys still misunderstand a "no" or that I have to get angry enough to finally get them to stop.
I will never understand how anyone can keep going after someone says "no." I will never understand how someone's sexual desire can be more important than someone's comfort level. I will never understand how people can justify themselves for the assaults they've committed. I just can't.
As for me, I'm still in the process of reminding myself that it's okay to be defensive in situations like that. If it comes to the point where I need to become harsh and violent in order to keep myself out of harm, it's what I have to do. I don't care if it "seems" like I was leading anyone on. I don't care if they haven't been sexually active in a while and it's a dire need for them at the moment. I don't care what they're reasons are. None of them excuse their actions after I have asked them to stop.
As for anyone else who's in this situation, be carefree as well. No matter what their reasoning for being so aggressive and forward, it's not valid to ignore you and what you want. If it does end up escalating to an assault, find someone to talk to, get the help you need, and whether you choose to take action against them or not, know that there is no right or wrong answer in how you proceed afterwards.
As for everyone, respect the partners you have. Respect their desires, but first and foremost, respect their consent, or lack of.
For the boys who kept going when I asked them not to, touched me while I was sleeping, or figured I would eventually say yes, "no" is really not that hard to understand, and if you would've stopped when I asked you to, maybe I'd still talk to you.
I'm glad I don't.
