Anyone who is weary of dating is perfectly relatable. There are things women can do to achieve the relationship they desire: date multiple men without having too many expectations, keeping their own interests and hobbies, becoming well-rounded versions of themselves, etc. When women exercise their agency and independence they give themselves the emotional freedom to go where life takes them. They are not beholden to sky-high expectations of a man they just met. Therefore, they can avoid unnecessary heartbreak and emotional dependency by living a life that is unique and fulfilling.

But what happens when you get the man of your dreams?

There are an innumerable amount of articles advertising 10 Ways to Make Him Fall For You and 5 Words That Will Make Him Yours. However no one really wants to talk about the emotional labor you endure in an adult relationship.

As a black woman, my experiences are unique to women like me. I cannot speak for other demographics of women and I hesitate to portray black women in this light. My experiences are essentially my own, however they reflect the lives of the black women I know intimately and grew up with.

I have watched many black women suffer through relationships with emotionally immature black men; men who blame their lack of emotional availability and expression of emotions on some external force outside of themselves. It’s baffling, mainly because it is used as an excuse to behave childishly. These men are allowed to have their cake and eat it too while putting their wives and girlfriends through much emotional turmoil.

A great example is Beyonce.

Beyonce is a woman who has it all – the body, the voice, the career and the husband. But even she fell prey to infidelity and emotional manipulation from her significant other. It humanizes her in such a way that millions of black women nodded in quiet understanding. Black women are usually expected to carry this weight by themselves, nurturing and coddling a grown man until he has a sudden epiphany at 48 years old. The level of vulnerability and emotional openness we need in the men we date is something to wait for, something we must struggle for.

I see it in my mother and her mother - the ability to mother the black men they marry to emotional health.

It is a quiet sacrifice to yield your body and mind to a man not worthy of either. To an extent, black women intrinsically understand it is an expectation to suffer quietly and diligently while these men act like children. Jay Z is a happily-ever-after in comparison. Many of these men are overgrown children, in their 50s and 60s while having the self-awareness of someone decades younger. It’s truly “Peter Pan Syndrome” because they never quite grow up.

I wish that black women could act out and misbehave publicly while our husbands hold us at night. I wish black women had the leeway to “find ourselves” while our boyfriends supported us emotionally. The black women I know intimately would love emotional support while they worked on themselves – but how many men would be willing to stick around while that happens? Most won’t, because the double standard doesn’t work that way. You need black women to be emotionally available and open to you, no matter how much it hurts us. You need us primly and properly put together while you weakly manage the turmoil raging inside of you.

My hope?

My hope is that black men (and people in general) STOP assuming black women are committed to emotional labor. The task of healing hearts and coddling your “inner-child” is not one meant for us. Handle your own emotional burdens. Better yet, don’t get into relationships with us at all until you do. Do the introspective work and inner healing before initiating a romantic relationship. You would break a lot less hearts if you did.