I was always told to love my family no matter what, but it is to love people that do not love you back. I have an enormous family, they're all over the US, and being with them gives me many feelings. Having a huge family is suppose to be great! Isn't it? The bigger the better they say, but not in my book.

I was always considered the black sheep of my entire family. I am very different from all of siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins, while everyone said to go right I always went left. For years I tried being like them, judgmental, mean, rude, self centered, arrogant, but it wasn't who I was. It would hurt my heart trying to be like them, so I just decided to be me.

At family gatherings I would always stay quiet. I would sit in a corner on my phone minding my own business because i knew if I said a word, those words would end up being twisted and making me look like the worst person in the world. As much as I have to love my family, its hard to because to me they're just strangers. While other families are extremely close and can not live without each other, I would not mind being on my own.

When I started my first semester of college,I chose to live with my siblings to grow a stronger bond and be closer to them. Unfortunately by the end of the year, my relationship with them and college experience ended up nothing like i expected it to be. At 19, while everyone was happy and living their own life on their own in college, I was miserable.

I live with the constant feeling of feeling unwelcome in my own family for just being different. I envy my friends who get along with their siblings, because I never had that. I always see how daughters and mothers, sisters and brothers are best friends while mine just step all over me. I always wished to have a brother-sister relationship with my 6 siblings like Ross and Monica do in tv show FRIENDS. Not only Ross and Monica, but I see some of my friends and how much they love their siblings and get along so well that it makes me sad that I can't get along with mine that way.

A couple weeks ago I spent a lot of time with my best friend and boyfriend, and my heart hurt so much seeing how much love there is in their family. Like all families they fight and get into arguments, but at the end of the day there was so much love in the room that I have never felt with mine. I know i am not alone, when it comes to family issues, but because of them I do feel lonely. My friends always tell me I live a wonderful life, with everything a girl can ever ask for, I am blessed no lie, but what they don't know is how lonely my life is.

I hear stories about daughters fighting with their moms about stupid things like curfew or about boy advice, while daughter see hate and anger towards their mother, their mother is only doing/saying those things because she loves her daughter so much. Siblings fight over dumb things like who ate the last ice cream cone, or drank the last soda, but as much as they fight they will defend each other to the end of the day up against everyone.

If you have a family that loves you never let them go. If I had a loving family I would tell them everyday, I will then preach to the world that I am blessed, because family is everything, family is suppose to be there for you when your friends are not. But if you're like me and struggle with that, It's your life and you need to understand that not everyone is going to agree with you, but ultimately you need to do what is right for you. I don't have time to worry about who doesn't like me. Because I am busy loving the people who love me.