Our lives are built on binaries. As babies, our gender identity is announced to our mothers before we're wiped clean of pregnancy goo. “It’s a girl! Slap a pink bow on her head so everyone can tell!” We’re also assumed to be straight from the ripe age of birth. If a baby in a blue onesie smiles at a baby in a pink onesie, their parents squeal with delight and predict an inevitable marriage between the drooling infants (and to think, people are afraid of LGBT folks pushing their agendas on children). At some point in a kid’s life, they learn what gay is. Maybe they’ve always known in some way or maybe it’s a completely foreign concept to them, but kids understand. They learn that gay is the opposite of straight like girl is the opposite of boy. Which way do you swing? Which team do you play for? Pick a side. But what if picking a side is impossible? What if choosing either/or would be settling for one part of yourself and repressing another?
Bisexuality is not assumed to be anyone’s orientation. We aren’t bi until proven straight. In fact, people who experience attraction to more than one gender are often ridiculed or belittled, or not believed at all. Many a time, I’ve heard the casual phrase, “Oh I could never date a bisexual.” If the speaker happens to be a lesbian, they might retain this bold statement with the follow-up, “I’d be afraid she’d go back to guys.” Whereas a straight woman may say, about a bisexual man, “I’d be afraid he’d turn out fully gay.” These assertions support the myth that all bisexual people are just going through a phase, but they also tear the curtain back on the insecurities people have in regards to dating bisexuals. Gay people, for instance, are sometimes wary of bi people because they can pass for straight. This ability to “pass,” could be envied, because depending on the relationship a bi person is in, they either have to fight for their rights, or (it is assumed) they don’t. Another myth about people who swing both ways is that they never stop swinging. They are allergic to commitment. But if a bisexual woman is in a monogamous relationship with a woman, she isn’t going to ditch her for the first Ryan Gosling lookalike that prances by. Bisexual people are as capable as any to have steady relationships. I've noticed that straight people, perhaps men more than women, have the tendency to believe bi people are down for a threesome at any given moment. That kind of assumption tells us that bi people are down to clown whenever, wherever and with whomever. This fetishizes their sexual identity. Bisexuality and pansexuality are often confused for polyamory as well. Polyamory is the desire or practice of being in an intimate relationship that is not exclusive with respect to other relationships, while everyone is aware and consenting. Some bisexuals practice polyamory, while others do not. Some bisexuals seek out threesomes, others do not.
It does no good to assume anything about a person’s life because of their sexual orientation. But, guys, come on. Don’t we know that already? We are accepting of the gay community. We understand the binary of gay versus straight. We have gay friends, so it’s okay! We go to Pride and wear rainbow face paint! But what’s this bisexual thing? That doesn’t fit into as neat of a box as we want. Neither do all these other confusing sexualities! Pansexuality, demisexuality, asexuality… What? Slow down! In all seriousness, what makes absolutely no sense to me is for people within the LGBT+ community to disregard or shame others within their same community. Anyone with a letter should know what it feels like to be treated unjustly by the world. That’s why the community was formed. A community becomes divided when people forget to employ empathy for each other. That’s what biphobia really boils down to: a lack of empathy. Just because someone does not feel or experience things the way that you do, it does not mean you can say they don’t know what they feel. Many gay people come out as bi before they realize or accept their homosexuality. But many, many people come out as bi and stay bi for their entire lives.
There is a lot of bi-erasure in the mainstream media. This is a huge problem because the media, whether you like it or not, informs what is considered “acceptable.” If the vast majority of media centers on straight (or occasionally gay), white, cis-gendered people, we are implicitly told that not much else is approved of in popular society. There are many celebrities and public figures, and historical figures, who have come out as bisexual or been in relationships with all genders, but are depicted “straight” by the public. Recently, actress and model Cara Delevingne was vocal about her interest in all genders, but a Vogue article referred to her relationship with a woman as “a phase” (a collective groan could be heard ‘round the world). Even progressive media is slow to acknowledge bisexuality. In the show “Orange is the New Black,” the word bisexuality is only used once in all three seasons. Despite the fact that its main character, Piper, has been in relationships with both men and women. Her sexuality should be addressed in plain words, whether she is bi, or pan, or doesn’t label herself at all. Especially since the real life woman she is based on, Piper Kerman, identifies as bisexual.
Without acknowledging someone’s sexuality in the media, and by erasing the identities of those with influence and power, and through bullying and biphobia, bisexual people frequently experience depression. Nearly half of bisexual women (45.4 percent) and more than one third of bisexual men (34.8 percent) have seriously considered or attempted to commit suicide. In another survey of LGBT+ youth, 5.6 percent of bisexuals reported seriously considering suicide almost all or all of the time in the past 30 days, and 35.8 percent reported seriously considering suicide in the past 30 days only some of the time or rarely. Also, 16.8 percent reported attempting suicide in the last 12 months (7 percent of which had attempted it more than once).
You can’t say that you know how people feel. You can’t exclude people from a community they desperately need. You can’t refuse to show empathy to fellow human beings. Respect someone’s sexual orientation like you would want them to respect yours. And with that note on basic human decency, I say to you:
