This story is not an easy story to tell, nor an easy story to read. I'm telling it in the hopes that it will help me deal with the repercussions of what happened. It's not happy, and doesn't have a happy ending yet. I'm still broken. The first occurrence happened approximately two years ago, in January 2015. In May 2015, I went to Germany, and left a situation that, at the time, I didn't realize was so toxic. I had become apathetic to the whole thing. Maybe it was even Stockholm Syndrome. In any case, it's hard for me to deal with today, and I'm hoping that letting the secret out helps.
I will not name the name, but most of you will know. That's okay with me.
For months he had been bothering me; he wanted sex. I knew this, and I kept saying no. I didn't want it. I wasn't comfortable with it and I wanted to wait until I was married. That's good enough reason to let the matter lie. At least if he respected me. At least if he respected the boundaries I set. I remember his words to this day, "If you don't, then I might not stick around."
That should have been a warning sign blinking "LEAVE NOW!"
But I loved him, I guess.
And so, after threatening to leave me, knowing that I wouldn't be able to take it because I was emotionally attached to him, I said "Fine". Thinking to myself, if it will shut him up, it'll be worth it. But it wasn't.
He never knew this, but, the day after, I cried for approximately two hours, with no idea why. I should have been happy or elated, but I just felt broken. My roommate asked what was wrong, and I told her what had happened, but neither of us realized the gravity of the situation. We didn't realize what had really happened.
Thereafter, I became numb and apathetic to the whole situation. I just went along with it without realizing something was wrong.
It wasn't until I was in Germany and UNM had me take an optional course on sexual harassment and rape awareness that I realized that the consent I gave was not actually consent. If you are manipulated, be it physical or emotional, into saying what they want you to say. (i.e. Threatening to leave you) then you did not freely give consent. That means one thing, and I hate to say it:
RAPE.
I've always heard it said that it is far more likely to have such a situation occur with someone that you are close to and know well. It seems hard to imagine, because we are taught that rape is violent and forceful. Not necessarily. It can be quiet and manipulative.
I hope that we as a culture can become more aware of what rape is, so that we can prevent it from happening. If I had known that something was wrong, maybe I would have left the situation before I became trapped by my own emotions.
As I mentioned before, this happened over a year and a half ago, and I am still very damaged by it. It's going to take even more time for me to get over it and move on. I just have to remember that the things that happen to me don't define who I am, but I define who I am.
Educate yourself.
Keep yourself safe.
