It’s the beginning of summer 2016, and although I want to enjoy all the fun in the sun, I can’t without constantly worrying about the problems that come with being a fat girl. Now, before you go up in arms about how I could totally get a "beach body" if I ate right and worked out, if I followed that new diet you heard about on television, let me tell you that you, you are wrong, and if I hear one more person tell me any of those things, I might go bonkers.

Obviously I didn’t get to be a size 18 without eating a few too many calories, but that’s how I got here, not what I’ve been doing since I got to be this way. I do my daily exercises, I manage my portions appropriately, and so far, no matter how hard I work, it just doesn’t come off. That’s a personal problem for me to deal with, and unless I ask, I don’t want to hear about the new “paleo” or “juice” diet that worked for that one girl in your spin class.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business.

It doesn’t matter how many body positive blogs I follow, or how many pictures I read that are captioned “Ways to get a beach body: Put on a bathing suit, go to the beach, tada! You have a beach body now;" none of it helps the fact that I am still heavily self-conscious about my body, especially in the summer. With summer comes so many problems other than how long to spend in the sun, or what beach to go to. All of my decisions are based around my body, and how I feel about it, which leaves me in not-so-comfortable clothes in the blazing sunshine.

Anything that leaves my thighs touching together (sundresses, shorts, short bathing suits etc) are pretty much a no-go. If you’ve ever heard of 'chub rub,' you know exactly what I’m talking about it. For the uninformed, 'chub rub' is what is commonly referred to chafing. It sucks especially for big girls whose thighs constantly rub together, which leaves us uncomfortable at the end of the day. The best way to avoid this is by using deodorant between your thighs, which helps, but to ultimately eliminate it, we have to return to pants, which in the heat is a total death sentence. No one wants to wear pants in the summer, but sometimes it’s the only way to feel better about those thunder thighs.

It’s also really hard to find shorts that aren’t too short, but I think that’s a problem for a lot of people right now. No one really makes longer shorts anymore, like ones that go to about mid-thigh. If you want shorts like that, they’re usually too baggy, at least in my experience. Additionally, another problem I’ve run into a lot is finding a tank top that covers what I need it too. Being a fat girl also tends to come with big boobs, and if I want to wear a tank top, I usually need to wear two just so I can hide a decent amount of cleavage (I’m not saying you can’t show a lot, or as much as you want to, this is just my preference). So many girls in my high school were told their shirts showed too much, and it was usually the more busty ones, because the shirts we like and that are actually comfortable in 90 degree weather show a little skin. Honestly it’s not fair. The whole fat girl clothing industry isn’t fair. Unless you want to pay a lot of money for cute clothes, you’re almost stuck looking like something cut from an old mumu.

The same thing happens with bathing suits. All the ‘plus size’ ones are pretty horrendous. There’s almost nothing but what could be described as grandma’s wallpaper in 1998. There’s so much floral print it’s like the fashion industry wants us to be stung by bees who mistake us for walking flower bouquets. The only decent bathing suits are usually shown online by "plus size" models who have airbrushed legs without cellulite. It’s so hard to come across a decent website or store for bathing suits, especially when the "plus size" models just look like a normal model to you. Most of the time I refrain from swimming, and find a really cute cover-up just to skip the emotional turmoil of the dressing room during swimsuit season.

Summer comes with additional problems, especially in self esteem, for a lot of girls everywhere, and not just the bigger ones. It’s really easy to say you can just put on a bathing suit and have a beach body, but actually doing it is even harder. I’ve been through six changing rooms, each one full of tears because I don’t like my own body, but I’m also working to change that. I’m trying really hard to be OK with myself, and it gets better each time I take a step toward bettering myself. Each time I eat a healthy meal, finish a round on "Couch to 5K," or do an extra ten seconds on my planking time, I feel better about myself. I'm not saying everyone needs to work out and lose weight to be happy, but that's what I'm doing for myself.It’s likely that the only time I’ll find myself in a pool is when I’m a camp counselor, or in the privacy of my dad’s pool, otherwise, my fabulous fat self is going to be sitting poolside, rocking a cover-up, reading up on that fad diet your friend in spin class recommended, and being super jealous about that other girl who has way more confidence than I do this summer.