I was at the store a couple days ago when I overheard a father talking to his young son who seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Don't cry" he said, "big boys don't cry. You aren't allowed to cry, only little girls cry." The son then looked at his father with tears threatening to spill and nodded shamefully while desperately trying to hold back his tears. I, on the other hand was more than a little peeved at this exchange between father and son. It got me thinking how much gender roles play in our society today. How boys are constantly trying not to be emasculated and girls are desperately trying to stay feminine.
The poor boy probably had no clue why he wasn't allowed to cry. He didn't realize that, when he grew up, crying would make people think he was weak. I know the father was coming from a good place and was trying to help his son, but enforcing ridiculous gender roles was a horrible way to do it. Crying has always been seen as a weak thing to do. In fact, showing emotions in general is seen as a weak thing to do. Regardless of what you identify as, nobody wants to be seen as weak. However, centuries of the patriarchy has put an umbrella over women, saying they are over emotional and cry all the time. Whereas men have an umbrella over their heads that tell them showing emotions makes them look like a girl. If they shed a tear, they aren't masculine. As the father said to his son, "big boys don't cry." How can you tell someone that being upset makes them less of a person? It is a completely natural thing to happen. All genders cry, all humans cry. It's normal and you shouldn't tell your young son that only girls are allowed to show emotions while making it seem like a bad, weak thing to do.
Although I am a strong feminist, I do agree that guys have some tough ideals placed on them too. For example, a young boy isn't allowed to like pink, play with dolls and hang out with girls because that makes him feminine. Gay men are almost always emasculated and made out to be practically female. First of all, pink was actually a "boy color" back in the day when baby boys were dressed in pink (as it was seen as a bold, masculine color) and baby girls were in blue (as the weaker color). However, this all flip flopped because Hitler decided to label "curable" gays and lesbians with a pink triangle, leading to the color's association with femininity. And second of all, there are so many gay men that look very "masculine". I recently had the pleasure of meeting former NFL player, Esera Tuaolo who is actually a gay man. He talked about how he hid his identity for so long and tried to cover it up by becoming a big, strong football player. This guy is huge; he could take you down in seconds and just happens to be gay. It's not okay to tell gay men they can only be feminine (which, by the way, is not a bad thing). On the other hand, it's also not okay to tell lesbians that they are all masculine and cannot be feminine at all. It's unfair to young kids that want to play with the other gender's toys but aren't allowed to because society says so.
Growing up, I always wanted to play Pokemon with the boys but couldn't because they said only boys were allowed to play and girls had to play with dolls. Of course I loved my barbies, but I thought it was unfair to exclude me based on my gender. I also remember a little boy in one of my classes who liked to play with girls and was made fun of for liking to play "house". It just seems unnecessary to limit the imaginations and excitement children have. Nobody is born wanting to conform to gender roles, they are placed upon them early on in life and those kids grow up thinking that is normal. That little boy in the store is growing up thinking that if he ever sheds a tear, he will be less of a boy. These issues will haunt young children into their adult lives and make a pretty big impact. Men feel like the only way to be manly is by having rippling muscles and girls think the only way to be feminine is to be skinny. Why can't guys be manly and skinny? Why can't girls be feminine and muscular? Men aren't "allowed" to wear makeup but girls are expected to. How come it's okay for a girl to cover up her insecurities with makeup but men are supposed to face them head on? Have you seen some of those male makeup artists and drag queens? They are better at makeup than I will ever be, so don't tell guys they can't wear makeup because it's only for girls. Why can't men be stay at home parents, cooking and cleaning while girls have jobs? So what if a girl wants to play sports and a guy doesn't? Why can't girls be into video games, cars and lifting weights while guys like baking, shopping and fashion? Stop telling kids that boys can be lazy and girls have to always listen. It is ultimately ruining everyone's self confidence, especially young kids.
These gender roles are rooted so deep in our society changing them, challenging them and getting rid of them are hard, not impossible, but extremely hard. But who says you can't do something only the opposite gender can do? Tell your young boys that they can play dress up, dolls or makeovers and still be a very masculine boy. Tell your young girls that they can play with action figures, video games and trading cards and still be a feminine girl. Gender is such a fluid, changing concept that it is pointless trying to make everyone do certain things because of what they identify as. Everyone should be allowed to do anything, regardless of their identity. And to that young boy I saw in the store, chin up buttercup. Because guess what? Big boys can cry too.
