I Am Bi: My Internal Struggle With Coming To Terms With My Sexuality | The Odyssey Online
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I Am Bi: My Internal Struggle With Coming To Terms With My Sexuality

It took me a long time to come to terms with who I am, and I feel it's important to share.

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I Am Bi: My Internal Struggle With Coming To Terms With My Sexuality
Bisexuals of Greater Philadelphia

I had no reason to think I was anything but straight.

I was a typical little girl, growing up. From the time I was in first grade, I was developing little "crushes" on some of my male classmates. You know what I mean; when young children get giggly around someone, and excitedly tell their parents that they're going to marry said person. I had a different crush every year, depending on the class. According to my mom, I had a thing for blondes.

At a young age, I was exposed to the fact that love isn't just between a man and a woman. I was able to attend my uncle's wedding in Massachusetts (back when it was one of the few states that legalized same-sex marriage) probably around the time I was 5 or 6. Although I spent most of the time inside the house playing on my Spongebob Gameboy, I understood perfectly well what was going on, and I didn't see anything wrong with it.

As I got older, I was enrolled in a Catholic elementary/middle school, and I saw a different side of things. According to certain Catholics, being with a same-sex partner, or being attracted to the same sex was a sin. I couldn't believe it. Why would God care if someone cared for someone who happened to have the same genitals as them? Was that really the deciding factor for love? And why would it possibly be considered a sin?

I never got the answers to these questions at school. I don't think they could have given me an unbiased answer, anyway. All I know is, in the back of my mind, I must have harbored (even on the smallest level) the idea that there is something wrong with being anything other than straight.

Once I got to high school, I was opened to such a wider variety of people, including people in the LGBT+ community. I remember when one of my friends came out as gay, and he asked me if I was straight or not. This was the first time I ever actually thought about it, and I admitted that to him. I never had a reason to think I wasn't straight. He told me I should start to think about it.

Even then, I still didn't really think much of it... not until one of my cast parties. I can't remember who suggested it or why, but soon almost the entire cast of one of my school's musicals was sitting in a circle, playing spin the bottle. I didn't plan on joining in, but eventually just gave in and played. One of my female friends spun, and it landed on me. At first, my rule had been that I would only kiss a select few people, but then she just kissed me. It was only a second, but it was... nice. I began to ironically think of Katy Perry's song "I Kissed A Girl", finding the lyrics to be true.

I can remember the only thought that went through my mind was "Shit. I'm not straight, after all." When I finally came to terms with this, which took longer than I would have liked, I realized the term that fit me best was bisexual. I was still attracted to guys, but I would absolutely date a girl if I had the chance to.

The next thing that worried me was telling my family. I didn't have any reason to think that they would take it badly, they aren't homophobic or anything, but it still made me nervous to think about telling them. I couldn't have been happier with how open they were, and that they were fine with it. Although I never really came out to the rest of my family, my many pride posts on Facebook most likely gave it away.

I also had to tell my friends. Most of them weren't straight, either, so I had no trouble with telling them. The only person I was afraid to tell was my best friend. I don't know why, honestly. She was completely understanding. I guess I was just afraid that it would ruin our friendship in some way. I'm still relieved that it didn't.

My coming out was easy, and I know that I was lucky for that. There are so many people who don't have any support system and have family or friends who are not supportive. People try to overlook it, but there is a problem when LGBT kids are self-harming because the world sees them so negatively. Or when they are thrown out of their house while in middle school or high school because of their sexuality. Or when kids are harassed or beaten in schools or on the street because of who they love. No one deserves to be shamed for something out of their control.

I have no reason to think there is anything wrong with me.

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