When it comes to you my heart and brain don't communicate. My heart misses you, it misses our laughs, late night drives, Applebee's date, our summers, your family, our Instagram stalking skills, giggles escaping at the most awkward times, the nights were we would just lay on our cars in the high school parking and one second we would be talking about UFOs and the next our deepest secrets. Our Disney trip still makes my heart happy because it was the best day of my life, with my favorite person. That whole week was perfect, even though I knew deep down that would be the last happy time we had together. I was right, I wish I wasn't though. My heart aches for those times back. For just one more late night with you. One more time to text you about the cute boy I saw or about how awful my mom is being today. Just one more moment where I felt it was just us against the world. Just one more walk around the hallways laughing and talking like there wasn't people listening to us. Just one more day where you didn't hate me, my heart would appreciate that. I also know that one day would leave me wondering why I wanted that day.
But my brain, the part of me I should be listening to me tells me everything that everyone else tried to tell me for a year and a half, you aren't good for me. You hurt me a lot. I don't hate you, I don't believe that hate accomplishes anything but I hate what you did to me. In that same parking lots were we laughed for hours you proceeds to squash my self confidence in matter of minutes. The reason why the people that are closest to you hurt you the most is because they know your insecurities, and they can pull them out if they want to hurt you. You must have really wanted to hurt me because well you sure did that. You made me feel as if the three years we spent being friends were a waste, and like they did not matter, like I didn't matter.
They did matter. If they didn't this probably wouldn't be hard. I pray that I'll wake up one day and won't remember you. I want to forget you so badly, because you hurt me a lot. I also hold on to the memories so tight. I haven't deleted any of our pictures even though everyone is telling me too. I still ask my friends about you, even though it makes me angry. I still check on your social media even though I blocked you on everything. I still care about you even though I wish I didnt. Someone asked me once if I could go back in time and erase being your friend would I? The answer is yes, in a heartbeat. Sorry if that makes me cold hearted, but you hurt me so much, more then you'll ever know. But of course, I still miss you. That is the disadvantage of having such a big heart. You may have been able to just forget about our friendship, but I can't.
I can't forget because you are suppose to be here. As soon as I moved into my dorm room I wanted to text you. The first time I was home sick I wanted to text you. The first time I saw a dog on campus I wanted to text you. The first time I started freaking out about not having enough fun I wanted to text you. When I went to my first college party I wanted to text you. I wanted you to know all this partly because it seemed natural, but also I wanted you to know that I am doing better without you. You can see how conflicting those two things are. Maybe that is why when I got drunk one night I texted you because my brain wasn't working but my heart was. My heart knows what it wants, but also my heart always wants cheese even though I am lactose intolerant so my heart isn't all that smart, but my brain is.
My brain is my favorite part about myself and that is why I trust it even when I don't want to. My brain is now just waiting for my heart to catch up, but it's not too far behind. I can listen to Luke Combs without crying, and I went to Denny's a few weeks ago back home and I was happy. When I think about you it doesn't sting like it used to , and I rarely ever think about you. I am healing. It took a lot for me to heal because I never thought we would stop being friends. We were the power friendship. After we stopped being friends, I had people message me afterwards completely shocked that we were not friends anymore. What the people who were not close to us did not know is how completely toxic for each other we where, which I realize now.
I'll always care about you, because you were my person. I'll probably never have another best friend like you and that is okay. It is okay because we were very toxic for each other, and I do not need that again. What hurts the most is I thought you would be person my kids would call aunt, the person that would help me set up my first classroom, the person at my college graduation, and that our husbands would have to like each other or we would be getting a divorce, or how we would grow old together and cause trouble in the nursing home. We made plans, but I guess it's true when they say you make plans and God laughs. God must have been laughing very hard up there because anyone besides us saw how awful we were for each other.
You were my person, and I am so angry at you for leaving. I am surrounded by people all day, and I have all these friends but I still feel so lonely. I am lonely because when something good happens I have someone to tell. But when I get dark and twisty (like we used to say) I am alone. All I have is my own thoughts and it's lonely. Then I end up telling my problems to my finsta or people who really don't care, and it's not the ideal situation. It's really lonely. I know that isn't a good reason to keep someone around, but that doesn't mean I don't want it still. I really want a best friend again. I want a best friend, but do I really want you? That is something I can not answer.
What I realized is this, I miss us, but that doesn't mean I miss you.
