Customers keep the business going — without them, you wouldn’t get a paycheck — but that doesn’t mean that you always appreciate them. Sometimes, they can be delightful, but other days, the customer is not right. I worked in a grocery store for five years and have had my fair share of interesting experiences.
Working in the same store for a while causes you to see patterns in your business and categorize your customers. Here are some of the categories I noticed.
1. The Frazzled Mom
Description: yoga pants, T-shirt advertising an annual 5K run, Sketchers sneakers, hair in a messy bun, huge purse with worn-out straps
Companions: Anywhere from 4-6 children of all ages and temperaments. One of them is usually a baby. May or may not run around the store like hooligans. May or may not throw tantrums.
Topics of Conversation: “Addie, let Zach push the cart. Put that candy back, you’ve not been a good girl today. Get over here right now! Stop running! Where’s Katie?”
At the Register: May not say anything to you because she is getting after her hooligan children, forcing you to scan her items to the tune of her rambunctious children’s cries for candy. Or, will talk to you, only to complain about their children’s behavior or to fill you in on her busy schedule.
Typical Purchases: Capri Sun pouches, Goldfish crackers, frozen veggies, canned fruit, Captain Crunch cereal, milk, Hamburger Helper, baby formula
2. The Crazy Coupon Lady
Description: wire-frame glasses on nose, high-waisted jeans, huge purse spilling over with receipts, ads, and, of course, coupons
Companions: She never has any. That would not be efficient.
Topics of Conversation: “That bottle of mustard is priced at $2.49. That coupon is 50 cents off one bottle, and since you double coupons, that should come to $1.49. This coupon is $2 off any two Nabisco products, so scan these items together. That box of cereal should work for this coupon, since the specific brand name is listed in the fine print.”
At the Register: Will only talk about her coupons. Will watch you scan every item and coupon to make sure you’re doing it right. Will keep a close eye on the total. Will not be afraid to tell you when something rings up higher than the shelf price.
Typical Purchases: Anything and everything that has a valid coupon from a newspaper, magazine, store ad, etc. Usually correlates with the weekly sale items in order to maximize savings.
3. The Persnickety Old Lady
Description: floral dress with puffy sleeves, pantyhose, black heels, a sensible coat, small purse, narrowed eyes
Companions: There never are any, unsurprisingly.
Topics of Conversation: “I want my cold items in paper and the rest in plastic. You can put the eggs on the bottom, then put that box of pancake mix to the side of that. Set my loaf of bread on top, I don’t want that getting smashed! Is that pancake mix smashing the bread?”
At the Register: Will watch you scan every item. Will watch you bag every item. Will tell you how to bag every item. Will peer into the bag as you do so to make sure you did it right.
Typical Purchases: eggs, bread, milk, ground beef, coffee, orange juice, canned soup
4. The Forever Bachelor
Description: Super Mario t-shirt, jeans, Converse sneakers, wire-frame glasses
Companions: There never are any. He is a bachelor after all.
Topics of Conversation: There isn’t any. Ever.
At the Register: Will quietly watch you scan and bag items. It’s not like he has a girlfriend to text while he waits.
Typical Purchases: frozen pizza, beer, taco fixings, coffee, fried chicken
5. The Fitness & Health Aficionado
Description: Usually female. sleek ponytail, matching exercise gear, Nike tennis shoes, wristlet, earbuds attached to an iPod or smartphone, which is banded to her arm
Companions: Either alone or with an exercise buddy who also matches the above description.
Topics of Conversation: “I just started doing this new exercise that really tightens my core. I always have a spinach salad as a post-workout snack. Did you know that these crackers are organic? I need to drink more water.”
At the Register: If alone, will check her smartwatch to see how many steps she took in the store, because exercise is important. If with her exercise buddy, will talk about organic food and new workouts. May ask you if you knew a certain brand/item was organic.
Typical Purchases: one of everything from the produce section, raspberry vinaigrette salad dressing, yogurt with protein, milk, ground turkey, quinoa
6. The “Helpful” Husband
Description: windbreaker, jeans, wire-frame glasses, detailed grocery list, confused expression
Companions: There never are any. That would be too easy.
Topics of Conversation: “My wife sent me in here for a box of cherry Jello. Do you think this is what she meant? She’s using it in a dessert, so do you think she’ll need this size or the bigger one?”
At the Register: Tells you all about how his wife sent him in for a few things, and since he never does the shopping, he doesn’t know where anything is. Will show you his extremely detailed list of items. May joke that he hopes he got the right item.
Typical Purchases: an assorted number of items from the baking aisle that may or may not match the description on the grocery list
7. The Chatterbox
Description: blouse, jeans, sandals, big purse, big mouth (metaphorically, of course)
Companions: There never are any. If there were, that means she couldn’t talk to everyone else.
Topics of Conversation: “How are you doing today, honey? My, it is so cold in here! I don’t know how you work like this! That’s why my husband and I go to Florida every winter. Not just because the stores are cold; it’s cold outside too. I just can’t stand the chill anymore! I bet you can tell from my purchases that I’m making a chocolate cake. It’s for my grandson’s third birthday! Here, I’ll show you a picture…”
At the Register: Will talk about anything and everything during the entire transaction. Conversation is one-sided. May or may not find out more than you ever cared to know about this person.
Typical Purchases: everything necessary for her grandson’s birthday cake, the casserole she’s taking to the church potluck, the salad she’s making for her family dinner…
8. The Bitter Old Man
Description: wool coat, black pants, thick glasses, a scowl
Companions: Either alone or with a wife, who appears nice but does not talk the entire transaction
Topics of Conversation: “I just hate this weather. It’s just too cold. It doesn’t help that it’s always freezing in here. That’s why I always have to wear a coat in here. It’s a nuisance. Your food packages have too much plastic. That probably won’t get recycled. The food here is so expensive. These prices are ridiculous.”
At the Register: Will spend the entire transaction complaining about anything and everything. You count down the seconds until he leaves.
Typical Purchases: coffee, mashed potatoes, pancake mix, cereal, milk, apples, lettuce, and anything that has plastic packaging
9. The Creepy Old Man
Description: windbreaker, jeans, wire-frame glasses, unnerving smile
Companions: If there were any, how would he be known by all your coworkers as the creepy old man?
Topics of Conversation: “When I was in school, I’d pull all the girls’ ponytails. If you don’t watch out, I’ll pull yours! It isn’t all the time I get a pretty girl like you to scan my groceries.”
At the Register: Will have no filter. You count down the seconds until he leaves and avoid eye contact.
Typical Purchases: It’s hard to notice what you’re scanning when you’re trying to be fast so he can leave.
10. The Customer that Loses Everything
Description: May be male or female. Ironically wears pants with lots of pockets or carries a huge purse.
Companions: Either alone or with an equally unprepared spouse/significant other.
Topics of Conversation: “I left my grocery list at home, so I had to try to remember what I had written down. I probably forgot the most important items. Huh, I can’t find my credit card in my pocket, so let me check my purse…Huh, I can’t find it in my purse, so let me check my car. I may have left it in the cup holder…It’s not in my car, so I’m going to go home and look for it. Can you put my groceries somewhere until I come back?”
At the Register: Will spend the entire time looking for the aloof credit card. If with someone, they either do not have a card or do not have enough cash. You will inevitably have to suspend the transaction and ask one of your coworkers to move their bags. You wonder why they came to the grocery store without the most essential items.
Typical Purchases: all of the ingredients necessary to make tacos excl. ground beef (the most important item)
