Hello, friends. When this finally hits the interwebs, we’ll all be just coming off of Cupid’s favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. Personally, I spent my Valentine’s Day wallowing in my continued singleness (as per usual), but I hope that all you happy couples enjoyed your special day! What’s that? You’re saying that you planned the perfect day and it was absolute trash? I’m sorry to hear that - really! Well, you’re in luck, because I just happened to put together a helpful playlist that will really cheer you up! Here is my top ten favorite songs to murder your husband to, ranked from “least murdery” to “I am probably murdering my husband right now”.
10. "See I’m Smiling" by Anna Kendrick (from The Last Five Yearsmusical)
“And the point is, Jamie
That you can't spend a single day that's not about
You and you and nothing but you”
Don’t let the first minutes of this song fool you: “See I’m Smiling” belongs on this list. At first, she’s hopeful that their shaky relationship will improve. But the guy keeps putting himself before her, always choosing to spend time with his friends and not with his wife. Finally it reaches a point where she can’t stand it anymore - and she completely goes off on her guy. While this might not be the best song to commit a crime to, there is definitely some angry resentment going on.
9. "Rumour Has It" by Adele
“Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds,
You made a fool out of me,
And, boy, you're bringing me down”
A lot of people have been saying a lot of different things about her and her man. Whatever the truth may be, the fact is that the two of them broke up because he’s a dang fool. I wouldn’t say that she’s angry, but you can tell that someone’s a little salty. If you weren’t already thinking about a little foul play, this bluesy song will put you in the mood!
8. "Church Bells" by Carrie Underwood
“Jenny slipped something in his Tennessee whiskey
No law man was ever gonna find
And how he died is still a mystery”
On the outside, things seem like a fairytale for this couple. However, not all was well, because the guy has quite the abusive tendency. She goes to church and covers the bruises, but she can’t seem to will the pain away. One night she added a little something extra into her husband’s drink, and that seemed to really put an end to her problem. If you’re the plotting and sneaky type, this will be the perfect murder song for you.
7. "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
“Since U been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on”
She fell for him, but it turns out that this dude is nothing but a player. Guys are honestly just the worst, really. He strung her along and let her down. But you know what? Life is so much better for her now that he’s out of the picture. No man means no stress, and she can focus on herself now. The moral of the story: Get rid of that man, and I mean get rid of him. Why risk him coming back and just stressing you out? This song really highlights the stress-relieving benefits of offing your partner.
6. "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift
“Screaming, crying, perfect storm
I can make all the tables turn
Rose gardens filled with thorns”
We learn an important lesson here, and that is to keep your chin up even if past relationships failed. And there’s no shame in breaking things off! Terminate the relationship, and while you’re at it you might as well terminate him too. Since that jealousy you’re feeling is totally valid, call him out on it. Feel free to go even further and act on it! Throw a potted plant his way, take a pair of scissors to his suit, or even grab your favorite golf club and take out that energy on his car. This song will majorly fuel that killing-craze that you’ve been bottling up for way too long!
5. "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
“That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats”
This guy cheats on her and thinks he can get away with it? After thinking about what this cheater’s up to with his new babe, our girl goes out and deals with the guy in quite the appropriate fashion. She even gives us the four-step process for handling with a cheater. First, take your key and dig it into the side of his car. Second, take the sharpest object you can find - a knife, preferably - and carve your name into his leather seats. Can’t have him wondering who he’s dealing with. Now, don’t forget your baseball bat because the third step is to completely smash his headlights. Lastly, take your blade and slash all of his tires. This slashing motion may come in handy later, by the way. Even if you haven’t been cheated on, this song will leave you feeling riled up. You might want to even take the slashing even further than his car!
4. "Kiss With A Fist" by Florence + The Machine
“A kick in the teeth is good for some
A kiss with a fist is better than none”
He hit her - so she hit back! She broke his jaw and spilled his blood. It’s an all-out brawl and she’s killing it. Do these people love each other so much that they’re pushed to fighting? Are these people mortal enemies? However you interpret this indie rock jam, this song is a good choice of music for those of us who prefer a more in-your-face and aggressive style of murder.
3. Literally anything by Miranda Lambert
“If he wants a fight, well, now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet” (Gunpowder & Lead)
“Now I don't hate the one who left
You can't hate someone who's dead” (Kerosene)
“Can’t get revenge and keep a spotless reputation
Sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make” (Mama’s Broken Heart)
“You better be careful what you do
I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes.” (White Liar)
These are just a few of the many available crazy-killer lyrics. And I feel like these don’t need much explaining, so I’ll keep this short: If you’re in the mood for murder, Miranda Lambert is a safe bet for some good listening.
2. "Hold Up" by Beyonce
“What's worse, lookin' jealous or crazy, jealous or crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I'd rather be crazy”
You know the old proverb, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”? I’d say that’s the theme of this iconic song. She’s the best wife and lover - and yet he cheats on her. So, guess what: She lets him know that she is literally the best he’s gonna get. What a complete doofus he is for forgetting that for even a second. Furthermore, all this cheating nonsense makes her look bad. And nobody makes her look bad. If you’re planning to murder your husband, do not miss this song! No one steps on you! No one treats you badly!
1. "Two Black Cadillacs" by Carrie Underwood
“And the preacher said he was a good man
And his brother said he was a good friend
But the women in the two black veils they didn’t bother to cry”
What’s better than one woman murdering a man? I’ll tell you: It’s TWO women murdering a man! I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t mildly concerned for Carrie’s husband because this is the third song of her’s that made the list. But that’s fine! I’m willing to look past that because this song wins the award for “Most Murdery”! A woman finds out her husband is cheating on her, but instead of taking out her anger on the mistress she teams up with the other woman and the two of them decide that this guy isn’t gonna get away with his shenanigans. The two of them even attend the funeral together. This isn’t the kind of song that inspires you to murder your husband - this is the song that plays while you’re in the middle of the act!
Of course, you could always be rational about your relational problems and talk it out. But where’s the fun in that?
