With the stress of housing and midterms hanging over our heads, here’s a nifty guide to finding that perfect space to live at Providence next semester.
1. Cunningham/ DiTrag/ Mal Brown
Aren’t apartments just the best? Three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a full kitchen, it’s almost too much to handle. If you need to take a seat just to calm down from all those bedrooms, there’s a spacious living room area with several chairs! You won’t know where to sit, and I won’t help you choose.
2. Davis or Bedford Hall
I know Suites Hall may seem like a “sweet” deal, but trust me, these upper-class apartments are exactly what you need. Return to another full kitchen and probably some furnishings after a long day of praying for death because you get to walk up Guzman Hill every day! Choose these lovely buildings to live the high life on lower campus.
3. Alumni Hall
But wait, isn’t Alumni a dining hall, not a residence hall? Wrong! 'Tis the future, my friends. Let me tell you what you need life: it's food, the gym and zero contact with the outside. Why not get rid of all those pesky commutes and just live in the Slavin Center? Sleep on the couches, never change clothes and bathing? Don’t even “sweat” it! Or maybe sweat a little bit because you’re technically homeless.
4. Hell
Located six miles beneath the Chapel — talk about a commute, am I right? Why not stay warm and cozy this winter by burning for eternity! Damned souls make excellent tutors, and with these low housing costs, you’d be crazy not to make a deal with the devil! Why would you read about "Dante’s Inferno" when you can actually endure the perpetual torment he saw?! Have a question for an ancient philosopher, just ask him yourself, buddy. Socrates is your RA! This fall, why not go to Hell?
5. The Haunted Lower Campus Tunnels
Did you know our campus is built above an old mental hospital that was connected by a bunch of old horrifying out-of-commission tunnels? Well, if you do, you’d be “crazy” not to try and live there all semester. Nothing is more hospitable than a hospital, so why not give it a shot and probably be murdered by ghosts? Worried you’ll be late to class because you can’t seem to escape the occult abyss of madness — but I could’ve sworn the exit was right here? Can’t remember what daylight or your mother’s face look like anymore? That’ll be the least of your worries! Because you’ll be dead.
6. Fennel Hall
More like fun-nel, right everyone?! That’s right, a real building, and it’s somehow more haunted than the tunnels and has a worse location than deep within the earth’s crust. Long hallways showered in all-white paint will make you feel like an invited guest to this year’s Oscar’s! Oh, is that Leonardo DiCaprio? I loved you in "The Revenant"! Oh, just kidding. It was just another empty white single apartment, silly me! Ever seen an individually wrapped Kraft single and said “Wow! I want this to be my life!” ... Because now it can be!
