Let's start this sucker off with a gif:

5. Tiki Bar.

Tiki Bar is the kind of place you go to start off a long crusade of drinking. They have easy to swallow but rather potent island-themed drinks, which is definitely their main attraction. Don't pay attention to the TV above the bar that is constantly playing the nightly news. The atmosphere isn't that important. It looks, inside and out, like one of Jimmy Buffet's fever dreams. There is bamboo everywhere and tropical shit painted all over the walls and on the smoking patio, which is properly stocked with ashtrays and places to sit that are only moderately wet or sticky.

It is right on Trade Street so you have access to other bars to go to once you've had your obligatory two drinks. Also, PBR and High Life only cost two dollars here. Oh, and there is a pool table in the back that works sometimes.

4. Silver Moon Saloon.

Also on Trade Street, this is the perfect place to get a beer and a shot. I'm not saying a round of shots for your girls or whatever. I'm talking about getting a Budweiser and a shot of Old Crow and taking yourself to the back patio to knock them back and numb whatever pain you have. This place is cheap, dark, and it is small on the inside, though it has a big patio. This is great for getting away from the shitty college kids that infest Tate's and Single Brothers. This is the salt of Winston, or depending on the night, the supper hipster population. It all depends.

3. Rec Room Billiards.

This is the kind of place that was definitely cooler back when it was way less successful. It has a bunch of pool tables, and God knows that everyone loves to play pool. The only problem is that it gets pretty crowded with undesireables, or yuppies as people like to call them. In reality, the availability of billiards and the fact that Whiskey Box is in its basement are the only reasons to go there. It's not as good as the first two on this list or even as good as Bull's Tavern which is next door and has live music on occasion and much more entertaining customers. So let's actually say that Whiskey Box and Bull's are tied for number 3 and Rec Room is at like 7.

2. Hoot's/Small Batch.

I think they are owned by the same people, but I could be wrong. Either way, they both brew their own pretty excellent beer. Small batch is on Sixth Street I think, and they have a small but solid as hell menu for food and a pretty wide variety of beers, but I recommend you stick to the house brews and cocktails. Hoot's doesn't have food, but it is in the same building as the Tex Mex place, The Porch. Both bars have excellent beer and sometimes share bartenders, all of whom know exactly what they are doing and will give you better cocktails than most places in the city, if not all. This all comes reasonably with good atmosphere. Pro tip, the food is quite good at Small Batch, but Hoot's makes better beer.

1. Gatsby's Pub.

I almost feel bad about divulging this secret oasis. If you are looking for craft beers and classy cocktails, go elsewhere. This is a neighborhood bar, almost exclusively locals go there. This is another beer and a shot kind of place. The bartenders are cool but quick and the clientele looks a little bit rough and unwelcoming. This just means that you should act like an asshole in this bar and steal someone else's pool table or you might have to answer to a bald giant that rides a Harley and sings Skynyrd for every karaoke song. They do karaoke every Friday and Saturday, which I love, but the bar staff hates. The singers range from surprisingly good to bowel-shakingly terrible. They also have a back room with darts and fooseball. This is not a yuppy's cup of tea. This is for local flavor, which doesn't taste great around here, and cheap liquids to poison your body with.

Look. When we get down to brass tacks, the bar scene around here is pretty shit. We would all prefer pretty much any other. There are some good bars and some bad ones. The same goes for restaurants and strip clubs around here. We don't really want to go to any of them, but we have no choice, so we must find the tolerable ones and go there. I might be underselling these, but that's okay with me.