Being independent is important in all aspects of life, but especially in a relationship. Romantic or not. I think it is the most important aspect of a relationship because unhealthy dependence leads to all sorts of other problems.
I'll start by exposing my darker days as a girlfriend. With my first boyfriend ever I had no idea what I was doing. Obviously. In the beginning, I did the whole "play hard to get" thing and it was fine. My personal downfall was when I got too comfortable. (I am so conscious of this in my relationships now because this can be prevented.) Because we went to school together I got to seem him every day. I was used to that and seeing him whenever I wanted. We would hang out on the weekends and I had him all to myself.
As we got more comfortable and we both started to grow up it became harder to spend so much time together. I didn't even realize it, but I had become dependent on him. For how I felt, for how I acted, for what I did. Looking back it makes me sick, but hey I was 16-17 years old. Because I was so dependent on him I began to spiral. When he wasn't with me I would be anxious and worried. When he would take a while to text me back I would wonder if he still liked me. When he hung out with his friends I would feel unimportant.
Nothing he was doing was wrong (just for this example lol), but because I was so dependent I couldn't focus on anything else. This caused mistrust, arguments, unhealthy bonds, and every other bad relationship problem you can imagine. It was a hot mess. As we continued down this path, shit hit the fan. We crashed and burned and both got really hurt. As I am over this now, I appreciate that this happened at such a young age because I learned so much and can apply what I learned to my relationships today.
Can't lie, it is really hard in the beginning to not become dependent. I have been catching myself a lot lately wanting to be with this guy all the time. It's the beginning butterflies. It's so fun and new and you both have only happy thoughts. I don't think these feelings are bad, it is all about how you react to them. Due to my bad experiences I am able to catch myself. I catch myself becoming a clingy girly. I need girl time. I need school time. I need alone time. And I need him time. All people and aspects of my life need to be balanced. I don't see me wanting to be with him all the time as a bad thing. It just shows I like him. However, it is a bad thing if cannot control my urges and become dependent.
On the other side of the road, it keeps things more interesting when you aren't attached at the hip. It keeps him interested if you aren't always available. If you love chocolate chip cookies, but you eat 12 everyday, you will start to not like them. You get bored and tired of eating them. When something is special, a relationship or a cookie, it needs to be treated as such. Give yourself space and don't eat cookies all day long.
Along with my clingy days, I have seen many girls be clingy. One relationship I viewed everything started out good and normal. Over time the dependency grew to the most unhealthy relationship I have ever seen. She was consumed with whatever he did and wanted. Stayed together 24/7. Would miss class to be together. Not hanging out with anyone else. She isolated herself without noticing it. It was sad to watch and caused a lot of drama.
A few others I viewed were similar in that the girl allowed everything the guy did to affect how she felt. This one makes me the most upset because it is sad to watch. It is also the hardest to overcome and recover from. I try hard to not let anyone bring me down, especially not a boy. This took a lot of time to form new patterns. In order to protect yourself from this you HAVE HAVE HAVE to be comfortable being alone. If you can't be happy alone or love yourself there is no way you can love someone else. Going into a relationship broken and expecting to be made whole is a disaster. You have to be confident and able to be alone so your partner can COMPLIMENT you not COMPLETE you.
This takes practice. Just as anything does. Good and healthy relationships take constant work from both parties. If there is one thing I have learned in all of my classes, it is that no relationship is easy. Successful relationships come when both are independent and both willing to put in the work.
