As I sit here writing this, I am reflecting back on all that has happened to me in the past year and a half. I graduated high school. I fell in love with a college, and then I chose a different one instead. I joined a fraternity, quit, went back, and then quit again. I have had many jobs that include, but are not limited to, concessions stands worker, little league sports gatekeeper, telemarketer, and youth pastor. I decided that the college I chose really wasn’t for me and transferred to another. To paraphrase the words of a close friend, I have changed my mind more than I change underwear.
I often wonder why it is that I can’t ever seem to just find one thing and stick with it. I can never just stay still. My friends appear to have just that. They picked a college. They picked a major. They joined a few clubs. They found a job. They’re set. I, however, cannot be that content. Even when I don’t mean to, I always seem to find my way into something, out of it, back in, and then out again. I flip-flop.
I am the flip-flopper!
My ability to change my mind faster than a NASCAR pit crew can change a tire (Wow. That reference was more southern than I wanted it to be), does not stem from a gypsy heart or traveler’s dilemma. It comes simply from my inability to make decisions. I am just awful at making decisions. Just ask my mother. There have been plenty of arguments that started from the question, “So what do you want for dinner?”
Because I make bad decisions, in the long run I end up not achieving my goals or receiving what I was seeking. That then leads to these moments where I beat myself up for not being good enough, smart enough, or *insert attribute of choice* enough. I tell myself that if I only would have read more, or studied more, or socialized more then I would have accomplished what it was I was attempting to do. I hurt myself in order motivate myself, and it never works.
But you see, in all of this mind changing and self-hating, one thing has remained constant. A voice. A presence. A something that has always been there telling me what to do. When I was applying for jobs, it told me which ones I would love and which ones I would hate. It was there when I was choosing a college and deciding on a major. And what did I do every time? If you guessed “listened to it”, then you need to start back at the beginning of this post.
This voice, this presence, is no doubt God. God, this entire time, has been there with me. He has been pointing me in the right direction. He has given me sign after sign after sign. And I have ignored all of them. He gave me a full ride to the most academically advanced university in the state. I said no. He led me towards a career path and a major that I excelled at.I said no. He led me to a job that I would have loved. I said no. Each time I chose to do what I wanted to do. I followed my own desires. I lost faith and trust in Him.
In the story of Jonah, God tells Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh. Jonah instead attempts to run from God, and pays his way onto a ship headed for the city of Tarshish. To make a long story short, God sends a sea creature of great size to swallow Jonah, and it is then that Jonah realizes his fault. Jonah repents, the creature spits him out, and he gets back on the path that God set for him. You see, I have been swallowed by a sea creature of great size, realized my fault, and have been spat out. However, I’m still waiting on that voice to tell me where to go next. I know that voice is probably not going to tell me what it is I want to hear. But that voice knows me better than I know me. That voice is tired of seeing me struggle just as much as I am tired of struggling. That voice wants me to stop running. I guess it’s time to stop running. And besides, I’ve never been a fan of running all that much anyway.
