Being a submissive in your relationship can be misunderstood and many people that only know me away from my husband are often surprised to learn that that he is the dominant one.

This seems odd to me since, for me, it feels natural, like it’s just the way of things.

I have what has been described as an aggressive personality which seems juxtaposed to the dynamic of my chosen romantic relationship. In a way, being submissive at home with my Master is like a release of some kind—I can’t really explain the feeling as if it’s something you like, I guess you just know.

So what does being a submissive mean?

In my eyes, it's special and I do not see it as he is really forcing me to do things. I see it as my submission is my gift to him. He protects me, takes care of me and supports me in everything I do big and small, in return I make it my mission to please him in any way I can and by pleasing him it makes me feel good.

What does being submissive entail?

It is different in the specifics for each individual relationship but there are some common threads to be found among them all that makes them what is referred to as a D/s or Dominant/submissive, dynamics. D/s is a term used to encompass a variety of sub-categories. A short list of the more common sub-categories would be Daddy Dom/baby girl or little, Master/slave, and your basic D/s with no extra qualifiers.

You do not have to pick only one or the other—it is really up to you to decide what traits or names you would like to use. The biggest thing they all have in common is that they are all undertaken by consensual adults. We use the saying “safe, sane, consensual,” even if you are practicing wax play, spanking, needle play, etc. Safe, meaning it should never cause lasting harm, and safe words should always be in place and respected if used, using your safe word should also never cause a penalty, either.

Sane, meaning all parties should be of sound mind during both discussing of upcoming actions and during the actions themselves. Consensual, meaning that all parties are of consenting age and freely give their consent to all actions. Other common threads include certain types of play which are interchangeable throughout all the sub-categories, including but not limited to pain play and breath play.

There are all kinds of play or kinks, some of them are more closely connected in the public eye to BDSM.

I cannot go over all of them as there are just too many. I am also by no means an expert. These are just things I have leaned in my six years of experience with the lifestyle but am always looking to learn about new things myself.

Bondage is probably the most-known kink of BDSM. It can range anywhere from simply tying someone to a bed to intricate rope patterns and suspension rope work called Shabari. There is also spanking and flogging using various implements (this is my personal favorite) with different degrees of pain depending on preference. Something more on the fringes is animal play such as “pony play” where one or more people dress up and act like horses.

These are just a few, and if you think you like something do some research because I can almost guarantee you are not alone.

The main difference in the subtype of DD/bg or little is that the Dom or the Daddy is nurturing towards the little. There are, as always, varying degrees for each personal dynamic. People also have different ages that they prefer to inhabit as their little. One common misconception is that because the sub often calls the Dom "Daddy" that it is an incest play relationship, which is untrue on the whole. I will not say no one has done nor does it because I put nothing past humans anymore. I felt semi-awkward calling my husband "Daddy" at first but now I do it all the time, but if it does make you feel uncomfortable and you still feel like a little, talk to your significant other about it.

You can always find something else that you both like.

The most important thing is that you be who you are and are accepted as such. If that means you like coloring and watching cartoons, then your other should be down for that.

In a Master/slave dynamic things are generally more serious. They are usually more long-term relationships (not always) since it requires a certain level of commitment. With most dynamics, your consent is renewed every time you engage in a play session or other action meaning that you can say no without repercussions unless otherwise agreed upon within your dynamic.

On the other hand, if you are a slave your consent carries over from the initial oral or formal contract until the relationship is terminated by one or both parties, meaning if you say no there may be punishments that go along with it. For example, I am my husband’s slave 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This means he could tell me to do something at any time and because of our dynamic, I am required to do it.

My Master is pretty lax compared to some others. I get away with a lot, but I also know when he says enough it’s time to stop or I will be punished. People may think this is harsh but I have agreed to this life and I enjoy it. Do I enjoy all of the rules and things he makes me do? No, but there is usually a reason, such as one of my rules is that I work out once a day, not because he thinks I need to lose weight but because I want to work out to stay healthy and fit. I won’t stick with it on my own, but I will if he tells me to.

The basic-dom/sub dynamic is often used as a generic grouping of all the dynamics but can also be used for “play partner” situations, where you are just taking part in a scene with that person but are not committed. It can also be used as a preferred title. In some circles they can be used to denote that an individual has not yet undergone a vetting process and/or for Masters and slaves in training—this really depends on the group you are dealing with. Doms and subs still share a lot with the other sub-categories. It’s mostly personal preference as with everything else.

The lifestyle is as unique as the people that live it. As long as all parties are consenting, there is really no wrong way to BDSM.

You don’t like receiving pain? No problem. It isn’t required to be considered a sub.

Not into public humiliation? That is OK, it is not required. It’s not my thing either.

You only want to take part in the bedroom? Totally fine!

What I am getting at here is do whatever you are comfortable with, be aware of what is planned and expected of you if that means asking questions, then, by all means, ask them. Be open in trying to new things but know your own limits as well.

Now we come to the bit where I must warn my new and interested friends of what I like to refer to as “False Doms.” By this I mean men and women parading themselves often online as Doms but have little to no interest in doing what it takes to be a good one.

Doms genuinely care about their subs, this means caring for them as a person and not treating them as a plaything to be used and then discarded or used for monetary gain. It can be hard to tell at first as these false Doms are often very charming, manipulative people, especially if it an online or phone-only relationship.

I would caution anyone new to the lifestyle or even just someone finding a new Dom to be very careful and pay attention, there are almost always red flags if you look for them. I will also encourage you to find at least one friend that you can open up to and if they try to point out some of those red flags please listen!

I know it’s hard with any new infatuation... but it will be worth it.