Being a bisexual female is hard enough as it is. I have a family that doesn't fully understand the desire of my feelings and friends who, even thought they know I’m bi, still think that I only date guys. I am very happy with whom I am, but how can I be who I am and when no one really understands who I am.
In the past week or two I have had an emotional roller coaster of emotions. I have been having a battle with myself if I should even talk about this. I am not as open in my life as I should be; I hate confrontation, it's just not something I’m crazy about. If anything I would rather not tell people anything and go about my life. On October 1, I took participation in my first ever pride with my great friend Adrianna who proudly supported.
On the day of pride everything was mixed emotions. On the inside I was having the biggest anxiety attack of my life. I walked fast when in reality I wanted to crawl into a small box and throw away the key (but then I'd get claustrophobia). Upon arriving to Pride, the only think I can think about was that I was over dressed, that I had an excessive amount of rainbow themed items (it was only two). I quickly texted my friend David who was already there with his boyfriend who reassured me that I looked fine and that I should be fine. My anxiety was winning but losing at the same time. Though in the end, Pride was amazing. Do you know that feeling you get when everything seems amazing? I mean fully blown euphoria. The sky is blue and the birds are singing and for the first time ever you are truly free. You can do anything that you set your mind to. That is how I felt. I felt like I could conquer the world. For the first time ever I could do anything and be anyone without judgment. Pride made me feel like I belonged for the first time in my life. That was a rare feeling for me and I enjoyed it.
Now don't get me wrong, I have a loving family who loves and adores me, but I don't think they understand that I do like girls and boys as well. I honestly think they don't want to understand. I mean I hear the things they say and I know they don't mean it in a bad or negative way, but it still hurts. I mean how do you respond to your family when you feel like they accept you, but won't accept others like you? I hear comments that make me not want to talk about it with them. Now I won't lie, I have been difficult with the whole coming out process, but that was a different time, an unsure time. How can anyone come out in a world that constantly tells them they are gross and should not be supported? I have lied and said I was straight because it's easier to be straight than different.
In the end, nothing can deny who you are. If I have to be honest then I am a black bisexual female who likes both girls and boys and I’m still figuring it all out. It's not going to change either. I will always like both. If I’m with a guy, it doesn't make me straight and if I’m with a girl it doesn't make me a lesbian. I am bisexual and there is nothing anyone can say about it. Nothing about it will change. My name is Akira and I am bisexual.
