Heyo folks! My name is Ash Dingobrawler (yep) and I’m a white, non-binary person. Being non-binary is to be transgender, since it simple means to not identify as cisgender. Being non-binary means that I don't identify as either a man or woman. For me, it means that I’m not androgynous but rather I reject the binary concept of gender that there are two extreme ends or ‘opposites.’ Many of the current markers of these genders are rooted in patriarchal ideas that femininity is ‘weaker’ or softer, and offset from masculinity, defined by violence. I disagree with this on the premise that it is dangerous and toxic. Attempting to define and apply rigid rules to the range of human emotions has had repercussions on emotional literacy, maturity and availability.

So, what’s it like to be non-binary? Exhausting is a word that comes to mind, honestly. Have you ever noticed how gendered western society is? Multiple times a day, more than I’d care to ever count, I deal with internal conflict; can I correct this person? How much emotional labor will this cost? Will it make a difference? It’s case by case but beyond the internet, it's been pretty discouraging. Apathy feels just as shitty as ignorance, I’ve discovered. I often decide to forgo my actual gender identity to get through the day. I’m no less non-binary for it, and neither is anyone else who makes these choices to get through the day. For many transgender people, depression and being trans is a proverbial chicken and egg conundrum. Whether it's depression from internal desires, external assumptions, hostile environments or a combination of all doesn't seem super important when it's taking its toll on you.

I spend a fair amount of time dealing with body dysmorphia, meaning discomfort or disassociation with your body. For me means I feel uncomfortable with having breasts, so much so I often disassociate from them. I remember when they first showed up feeling pretty upset that I didn't get a say in it, since I never wanted them. I dislike acknowledging them in general. Gender can become a tightrope balancing act of wanting to affirm how I feel. For example, sometimes I wear a binder in public. This flattens my chest, and makes me feel better, as it gives me the illusion of not having breasts. Often people will misgender me as a woman anyways and it leads to me feeling twice as upset because I feel like I’ve played by societal rules, at personal cost to myself and still can't win. I’m frustrated in myself too, because I want to embrace my body beyond the expectations fed to me, even by myself. Life is just a barrel of laughs for me, really.

The existence of non-binary people isn't new, but thanks in great part to colonization, it has become lesser known and suppressed. Many pre-colonial cultures had and have non-binary genders. It can be a comfort to know that I'm not alone but it's a cold comfort when I still have to slog through experiences that effectively point out that many people don’t completely know me. Even among people who do know me, the socialization of gender is still pervasive. I’m often stuck feeling bad about feeling bad, an Ouroboros of self-doubt, or the worst Pokémon concept ever. I could be more aggressive about it, but don't worry, my social anxiety keeps me in check.

I also struggle within my trans community. Many binary trans people that are well intentioned but perhaps not fully considerate of long term ramifications; argue that gender, while a social construct that we can question and self-affirm, is still a concrete, and not a fluid, identification process. This isn't exactly a friendly invitation to explore genders, or as I reason, a very Nonsensical approach, since the trans people explore gender identity to self-affirm. And that's great! But why wouldn't gender continue to be fluid? It doesn't lessen the validity of anyone’s gender to change it, that's one of the keystones of our community. I reason much of the pushback to this fluidity from patriarchy. The trans community exists under patriarchy. Without conscious intent we replicate it within our communities. One of the systemic oppressions is gender denial and repression of anything beyond the binary and a liberated femininity. If femininity became a common gender trait and not a gendered one (a trait that is used to identify someone’s gender as feminine) then much of the schisms in place to suppress this would be rendered useless.

So, what’s an enbie (term for non binary person) to do? Well, in my case I write about it. I try to engage folks when I can. I read and listen. Most importantly, I get to know myself. It isn’t generally polite pleasantries, unless it’s a compliment. No, usually it’s uncomfortable questioning. Imagine being stuck on a bus with someone who just won’t stop trying to have a conversation with you. Only the other person is you. And you want it to continue. And the bus is falling apart like this metaphor. I find that humor helps as well. Oh, and pizza. Can’t smash the patriarchy on an empty stomach.