Well, hello there! (I'm feeling overly friendly because I got home from work about 10 minutes ago and I'm still in service-with-a-smile mode, sorry-not-sorry.) My schedule as a waitress is such that I often have a two to three-hour window between lunch and dinner, where I come home, peel off my sweaty uniform (too much information?) and take a nap like a preschooler. Because I'm so rarely at home, my mother has found other ways to keep busy and entertained, other than taking care of me (usually a full-time job in and of itself). With my dad at work and my brother occupied with an internship, this means that my house is pretty empty these days, and those few hours between shifts are spent by myself.
While that works out for the best, since I'm surrounded by people at work and need a little quiet time, I've noticed a few commonalities during my time alone. Here are my 10 phases of Home Aloneness, for your entertainment, identification and realization. Please enjoy and let me know what you think. Sorry I can't stay and read over your shoulder, but I've got to get ready for my next shift!
1. The “Honeymoon” Phase
Woo, I'm home alone! I’m gonna watch TV and sing as loud as I want and pee with the door open and put on my pajamas and not answer the phone and lie on the floor!
2. The “I’m Bored” Phase
I’ve finished all this week’s episodes of "Judge Judy" that I missed and I can’t decide what I want to watch on Netflix. A thousand channels, they said, but they didn’t say that it’s just the same hundred repeated into infinity. And not a single one of them is playing something I want to watch. Dear Discovery Channel, I don’t like "Ice Road Truckers." Stop showing reruns.
3. The “Maybe Not” Phase
Peeing with the door open is a terrible idea. I feel like someone is going to pop up out of nowhere and see me drop trou’. Which makes it difficult to drop said trou’. It just doesn’t work.
4. The “Self-Conscious About Being Seen” Phase
Maybe Mom isn’t here, but there are still people driving by who can see through the windows and judge me for being back in my pajamas at 3 in the afternoon. Maybe I should just put a t-shirt on and pretend like I’m a normally functioning, supervised human being.
5. The “I Accidentally-On-Purpose Ignored You” Phase
I’m home alone, which means that the rest of the world can just put it on pause for a few hours, because I’m not dealing with any of y’all. That being said, when my 90-year-old neighbor calls and leaves a message for me, I probably shouldn’t ignore that. Oops. I done goofed.
6. The “Wow, It’s Dirty” Phase
No way am I doing chores right now! Mom’s gone, she’ll never know! But…I want to lie on the floor…and I haven’t vacuumed yet…so the floor is really dirty. And by dirty, I mean sandy, pine-needly, grassy, dusty dirty. Not good for my allergies. And I’d rather not have vegetation in my hair when it doesn’t need to be there. *Sigh* Do I admit defeat and sit in a chair, or do I admit defeat and vacuum? Decisions, decisions.
7. The “What Was That” Phase
If you can’t relate to anything else on this list, relate to this, because I don’t know how anyone who as ever been home alone can escape the required paranoia. The heater turning on is actually a robber snooping around the house, a branch whistling through the wind is actually a murderer sneaking in the front door, and you definitely didn’t lock the door so a rapist totally came in and is hiding in the closet.
8. The “Renewed Enjoyment” Phase
Mom just called and is on her way home, so I really have to embrace being alone because it’s almost over. I’m going to steal a cookie—she’ll never even notice. TV? Still no. I’m not in my pajamas anymore. I can lie on the floor, I guess? Doesn’t sound as fun now.
9. The “I’m Done” Phase
Okay, I’m (as you can probably tell from the name of the phase) done. This isn’t fun. I actually have to do the chores I procrastinated all week before Mom gets home, there’s nothing I want to watch on Netflix, and she’s almost here anyway.
10. The “Wasted” Phase
No, I don’t get drunk right before Mom comes home. Don’t do that. Bad idea. What I mean is that I feel like I’ve wasted my afternoon to myself because it wasn’t that different than when I’m surrounded by my family. Next time. Next time I’m home alone (which will probably be tomorrow), this list will have a different ending (hopefully, I say that to myself every time and so far, this is all I’ve got).
